Is ‘Sissy’ A New Sexual Orientation?

A generation or two ago when gender roles were more strictly defined, a “sissy” was the last thing a man wanted to be called. It implied that he was a pathetic weakling, a failure at being masculine during an era when masculinity was the goal for all males.

These days, in a climate where masculinity is seen as more toxic and dangerous than virtuous and heroic, some men are going out of their way trying to earn the privilege of being called a sissy. They willingly put themselves through a systematic process of physical and psychological self-emasculation known as “sissification.”

Also known as “forced feminization,” Wikipedia describes the sissification process thusly:

…the practice of dressing a submissive partner as a woman and/or encouraging or training a submissive partner to act in a feminine or exaggeratedly feminine (“hyperfeminine”) manner. If assigned male at birth, the submissive partner may be called a “sissy.” Feminization is usually achieved via cross-dressing, where the male is dressed in female attire, ranging from just wearing female undergarments to being fully dressed in very feminine attire, including make-up, hair dress and nail polish. Some males take on tasks, behaviours and roles that are overtly feminine, and adopt female mannerisms and postures in tasks such as sitting, walking, and acting in a feminine manner.

Sissification differs from being transgender in the sense that choice is thought to be involved, not only in “becoming” a woman, but in reversing the process. As opposed to popular notions about being transgender, a sissy isn’t “really” a woman—he’s a man who’s volunteering to have his masculinity destroyed, with the understanding that if he doesn’t go too far in physically altering himself, he can always reverse the process. He isn’t seeking his “true” gender identity; he’s undermining it because erotic humiliation gives him a sexual thrill.

At its root, sissification is also deeply misogynistic because it implies that there’s something weak, pathetic, and humiliating about acting like a woman.

Becoming a sissy requires making changes that are both physical and mental. The physical transformation involves things such as cross-dressing, leg-crossing, laser hair removal, wearing makeup, using female cosmetics, and sitting down to pee. It also involves adopting traditionally feminine mannerisms such as stepping daintily, arching your spine, and swishing your hips. If taken to an extreme, it can also involve female hormone injections and even sexual reassignment surgery.

The psychological transformation involves the utter destruction of one’s masculine identity. Often a man will be required to feminize his name—” Daniel” becomes “Danielle” and “Patrick” becomes “Patricia.”

Sissification also involves mind control through erotic hypnosis in which the sissy-in-training watches videos that glorify the process of worshiping giant cocks that put the would-be sissy’s pathetic little “clitty”—i.e., tiny penis—to shame. He is sternly instructed to gain sexual satisfaction from prostate stimulation rather than penile stimulation and is trained to achieve “sissygasms” by either sitting on dildos or being fucked in the ass.

The aspirant sissy is gradually brainwashed into eroticizing the act of being sexually humiliated and having his manhood mocked. As slogans such as YOU ARE BECOMING A GIRL are flashed across the screen, the would-be sissy learns to be repulsed by all that is submissive and feminine while growing more and more sexually attracted to alpha males and their monster cocks:

You love cum. You want to be a girl. Being girly is what you really want. Admit to yourself that you are a girl and go ahead and do something about it.…Forget about being a man. Embrace the real you. You are a sissy bimbocumslut….

A professional “sissy trainer” describes how she turns males into sissies by snuffing out their masculinity:

I get you there by a mixture of hypnosis, psychological trickery and by leveraging the subject’s own curiosity. The secret is to slowly and gradually help the subject see and accept all the amazing benefits of feminization. By using consistent conditioning and a calm reassuring logic the subject starts to embrace more of their feminine side, and inevitably this grows a desire for a feminine body to match the new improved emerging identity.

Here a former self-identified male describes how his girlfriend systematically sissified him and destroyed his initial resistance:

Soon she added a strap-on to her collection and one that squirted, and she would pump lube in my rear end and tell me it was a special estragon solution that would work its way into my system through my bowel. Then she would insert a butt plug to make the liquid stay in me till I absorbed it.

Honestly, I was loving all the attention and the taboo role playing we were doing, and I couldn’t have been happier. She switched out the straight porn for gay porn and every day she would only make love to me while I was watching the gay porn and telling her how much I wanted a cock in my mouth and ass and one in each hand….

Often such deliberate “mindfucking” and sexual self-humiliation backfires and leads to guilt, regret, and shame:

I became increasingly ashamed of myself, and after each time I did it, I knew that it was the last straw and that I could not continue doing this. It would literally ruin my whole day and make me want to stay isolated, in irrational fear that people would find out about it if I showed my face anywhere….It’s like I developed an alter ego of “being a sissy,” which all of these sissification hypnosis things encourage oh so much…. I got back home and decided to trash everything I had – the dildo, the plug, the clothes, the weed – everything that only perpetuated this habit and addiction. I woke up the next day, still in shock with what I had done. I couldn’t bring myself to leave my apartment and show my face, again due to that irrational fear of somebody knowing.

It shouldn’t be surprising that some men develop psychological problems as a result of chasing a sexual identity that is based on humiliation and self-hatred. Neither should it be surprising that in a climate which preaches masculinity is innately harmful, many men seek redemption and approval in the act of fleeing their masculinity.

The culture has shifted to the point where “sissy” is no longer the worst thing a man can be called. These days, the worst thing for a man to be called is “manly.”

In other words, we’ve evolved—or devolved, take your pick—to the point where there’s nothing wrong with being a sissy so long as you accept the premise that there’s plenty wrong with being a man.

Quick Facts About Sissification


The fantasy depends on the idea that feminization is forced, although this is only a fantasy. The sissy makes a conscious choice to be feminized.


Begging to stop the process may be part of the fantasy and roleplaying.


Sissies often wear a chastity cage around their genitals to prevent masturbation.


Sissification differs from “fandom” fantasies in that the person degrading them is usually a male rather than a female.


Maid outfits—and maid activities such as dusting and serving beverages—often play a role in the fantasy.


Unless there have been permanent physical and hormonal changes made, sissification is reversible.


Have you ever wondered if there was a difference between a sissy and a cross dresser? Do you just assume that all cross dressers are sissies? Some people may think there is no difference. Of course, this more than likely means they don’t empathize with sissies or cross dressers. There is a major distinction between the two. It is important to appreciate and recognize the diversity amongst our peers.

What is a sissy? First of all, a sissy is someone who identifies themselves as a sissy. They want to be feminized. Not only do they wish for their clothes to be feminine, they also want to act feminine. So, it really does depend on how they perceive themselves, or want to be perceived. I can just explain variations. Sissy is definitely not discourteous to them. In fact, they prefer to be known as a sissy. Doesn’t mean they lack self esteem in the least. Basically, they choose to be a sissy and are proud to be a sissy. Usually, they are submissive males who enjoy being passive, obedient, and feminine. Most of them revel in the cross-dressing lifestyle.

For those who practice Femdom, it can be very honorable to them, to be known as a sissy. They are keen on being subservient to their mistress. They may have a mistress who lives with them, and be very proud to obey their mistress. Being a sissy is about how they experience it on the inside. They usually know from an early age, that they are a sissy, and are not offended by the term. They may put on their frilliest pair of pink silk panties, and immediately feel sissy. But, as soon as they take off those frilly, pink, panties, the mood can change. Sissies love to be identified as sissies, and it is up to them, when and how they are identified. There are many who are married in monogamous relationships. They may like to be recognized as a sissy, because they clean house, and dress like a sissy maid.

For instance, some cross dressers may consider them a sissy and are completely fine with the term. However, it is just a fantasy for them. Maybe they don’t even act on it in their life. They could have a wife, family, job, and the whole package. They are not referred as a sissy in their everyday life. They have this fantasy of being a submissive sissy, who may take orders from a mistress. They may call a phone sex line, for a mistress, and act out their sissy desires on the phone. They long to be dominated by a strict mistress, who enjoys calling them a sissy. They may be bisexual or bicurious and just need a firm, dominant mistress to guide or train them. It could end right there in that fantasy. Once they hang up the phone, they go back to their regular life.

There isn’t really one explanation for this, which can be explained so easily. It is not easy: there are several factors that contribute to a male who likes to wear women’s clothing and lingerie and be called a sissy. Maybe they dreamed about wearing their mother or sister’s clothing when they were a child. Maybe they were teased and called a sissy growing up. There isn’t just one reason for it. The dynamics in this could go on and on, depending on whom we are talking about.

Then, you have the everyday sissies. Some may have to wear men’s clothes to work, depending on their job, but as soon as they get home, they take off their suit and prance around in their panties. They love every minute of it. They know they are a sissy; they identify themselves as a sissy. They love being a submissive little sissy; they may live with their mistress. The mistress may or may not be their wife. But, they adore their mistress. They will do anything to serve their mistress. More often than not, sissies are bisexual. Some may even prefer males over females, and vice versa. There is not a specific sexual preference for the term, sissy or cross dresser for that matter.

On the other hand, there are many cross dressers, who do not appreciate being called a sissy. It may offend or insult this cross dresser if someone calls or implies that they are a sissy. It has a negative feel to them. In this circumstance, it is probably most well know as a childish insult aimed to put down a male, who may be feminine. These cross dressers do not think of themselves as a sissy at all, nor do they feel like one. They may have a different meaning for the word, “sissy” to them it can be someone who is wimpy, who doesn’t want to get their hands dirty. These cross dressers, do not want to be known as a sissy for this reason. When they are dressed they are women. They consider themselves to be femme, but do not identify with being a sissy at all. They may consider themselves strong, independent, liberated women, who have no desire to be dominated by a mistress or any one for that matter. For this they wish to be known as strong, secure women. When they are dressed as a man, they consider themselves to be men; they look masculine, and feel masculine. That is until they put their panties on.

The moral of this story is: To each their own. Some are fine with the term, and completely ok with being considered a sissy. Who are we to judge? Today’s meaning of sissy has somehow turned into someone who enjoys humiliation/submission. Those who enjoy being a sissy, enjoy it when they are at their most girly. Other cross dressers accepts the term, but they know the term “sissy” is not for them. If one chooses to acknowledge themselves as a sissy, good for them. But, if you know a cross dresser, please do not automatically assume they are a sissy, if they don’t tell you upfront. You could insult them, hurt their feelings, and that is not right. Wait for them to tell you whether they would like to be called a sissy, or if they call themselves a sissy. Then go on…. tell them what a gorgeous sissy they are.

There’s a difference between kinky and abusive and we need to be clear about that

One thing it is good is educating newer members about the difference between kinky and abusive. Lots has changed since I found the fetish scene, nearly a decade ago. Kinky sex is no longer the preserve of a dedicated community. It’s common. Really, common. Whether you want to experiment with rough sex, bondage, breath play, spanking or slapping, it’s all on the table. I regularly hear stories from friends who’ve gone home with people they met on Tinder and found themselves getting spanked during sex, without any consent or negotiation.

That’s the thing about kinky sex. It had a negotiation. The protracted process of contract negotiation in 50 Shades of Grey might not be realistic, but the element of discussion is. If you’re planning to have kinky sex with someone from the world of BDSM, they’ll ask you about limits. Preferences. Hard limits and soft ones like and dislikes. They won’t (or at least they absolutely shouldn’t) just start tying you up. But because the kinky sex has become separated from this niche community which had its own rules and regulations, the idea of negotiation and pre-agreed limits are no longer an automatic given. If you’re in a relationship where kinky sex isn’t a thing, the rule is clear: you just don’t hit your partner at all. Ever. But if you’re a kinky person who likes spanking, or any other type of hitting, suddenly that boundary is blurred. It’s those blurred lines which make it possible to excuse abusive behaviour as kinky behaviour.

Informed consent

The number one difference between playing at rough sex and assaulting your partner is consent. You cannot be too clear about consent. Talk about it, discuss it over message or email. Ask direct questions. Do not assume. Just because someone is happy for you to slap their face doesn’t mean they’ll be happy for you to pull their hair. It might seem dry or dull, but you need to understand exactly what your partner’s limits are before you start trying things out. You do not ever just hit someone and see how they react – even if it’s gentle.

Safe word

I know safe words sound a bit silly, but they’re important. If you’re playing with a safe word then the submissive partner always had a control switch, which means that the play is less likely to get out of hand. Some experienced partners will play without safe words, which is kind of controversial even among the BDSM community. But honestly if you’re not super confident in your partner’s sexuality, just use one.


An abusive partner will push the person they’re having sex with past where they feel comfortable, either trying to force them to try things they don’t want to talk, take more extreme pain or submit to kinky sex when they’re not in the mood. Just because someone has consented to have their hair pulled or to be spanked before doesn’t mean that you have carte blanche for the rest of forever. It’s certainly never, ever okay to hit your partner out of the blue just because you’ve done it before.

Emotional support

A good sign about a sexual partner is that they can cope if something goes wrong. If your partner uses their safe word, you should be apologetic, understanding and kind. You should never, ever treat them like they’ve failed, and you certainly shouldn’t just keep doing what you were doing before but a bit more gently. Safe wording isn’t a disaster, but it’s a moment to take stock and reflect on what happened and how to avoid it happening again. Similarly, it’s abusive to emotionally blackmail your partner into playing with you if they don’t want to. They don’t need an excuse to say no. Just because kinky sex was hot last week doesn’t mean that you’re done with vanilla forever.


You have to accept that if you’re having very rough or kinky sex with another person, you owe them aftercare if they need it. It’s unacceptable to have very kinky sex with someone and then not reply to their messages. You’ve gone through something intense which has released all sorts of endorphins. You owe that person some aftercare. Aftercare can be anything from hanging out together talking to providing sugary drinks and emotional support. But if you’ve just acted out all your filthiest fantasies, you owe your sexual partner that much. If you don’t want to keep seeing the person you’ve done this with, that’s fine, but you need to respectfully explain that. It’s very bad form to ghost someone you’ve bruised.

The bottom line is this:

Anyone who makes you feel guilty about how hard you’re willing to play or for having limits is abusive and you should end your connection with them immediately.  Anyone who makes you feel that you’re worthless or unwanted if you won’t have sex with them is not a good partner – even if you’re not in a formal relationship.  Anyone who has had intense kinky sex with you and then denied you emotional support afterwards is not someone you should sleep with again.

Dating Deal Breakers All Women Have—and Men Should Definitely Be Aware Of

Women and men aren’t so different—we all have our date-night turnoffs that can range from superficial to deeply offensive. But the truth is that the nature of what turns women off is unique: Here are the no-no’s all men should know about.


Yeah—and here are the worst possible relationship lies you can tell. (By the way, the number one trait women (and men) are looking for when dating is kindness. And dishonesty is the absolute worst. While it’s a broad term, but any kind of dishonesty should be an immediate deal-breaker.

That includes dishonesty about:

  • Age:

“Who can be interested in a guy who feels the need to misrepresent his age?” asks 51-year old Lara Nolan, who won’t date anyone whose actual age turns out to be different from the age on his online dating profile. “What does that say about how he feels about my age? Or aging in general? It’s just unacceptable.”

  • Marital status:

It goes without saying that if a married man claims he’s single, it’s a deal-breaker, but what about a man who claims he’s divorced when he’s only separated? Psychiatrist Susan Edelman, MD, says that’s a deal breaker too. Sure, he may “feel” divorced and “feel” like he’s ready to move on, but you still must wonder what else he’s being dishonest about.

  • Height:

It seems pointless to lie about one’s height, but it’s common for men to add an inch or two in their online profiles. Height can be a deal breaker for some women, says the founder of Elite Dating Managers, who goes by the name “Isabel.” But lying about it won’t help. It just creates a second deal-breaker.

Not all lies are outright lies, however. Some are lies of omission. “Obviously, being married is a deal-breaker,” says 51-year old divorcee, Mia Winner. “But I’ve learned that with some guys, you actually have to ask before they’ll tell you.”


Women spend enough time nit-picking themselves and their shortcomings, they do not need the romantic man in them life criticizing them too.


Too clingy:  

It has only been a few dates, but he is constantly texting, calling, and checking in on you. Danger sign of controlling or insecure partner.

Being unemployed:

Being out of work is a deal-breaker for virtually all of Isabel’s clients (Elite Dating Managers), and it’s not because her clients are gold-diggers. In fact, most of Isabel’s clients have great jobs and can provide for themselves. But being unemployed implies that you’re not where you want to be. If you’re in transition, then it’s difficult to truly be available (no matter how much you wish you were or think you are).

If you’re a man who’s unemployed, however, don’t panic, and don’t take the first job you’re offered, certainly not for the sole purpose of scoring a date.

Lack of ambition:

One can be employed but still lack ambition, and a lack of ambition is “completely unsexy,” says lifestyle and travel blogger Amy Hartle. “You don’t have to have incredibly lofty goals, but you must have some goals,” Hartle says.


“Once you score a date, don’t be late,” says Becky L. Duncan, a single 30-year old online business coach from Chicago. “If you can’t show up on time (or text that you’re running late) it tells me you’re at best, thoughtless and, at worse, self-centred.

Being chronically late is certainly not a laughing matter, but you still might want to check out this funny take on the psychology of lateness.


“From time to time the unexpected happens causing us to break a date or other commitment,” says Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, “but it becomes a pattern for your partner, it’s a sign to look elsewhere.” Dating expert and spiritual consultant, Davida Rappaport, takes a harder line: “If you cancel a date with a woman at the last minute more than once or twice, regardless of the reason: deal-breaker! When a woman has plans to be with a guy, there is only a limited amount of time she is willing to be disappointed.”

Sketchy online behaviour:

If a guy’s Instagram feed is full of women he’s dated (presumably) in the past or scantily clad party girls, it should be a deal-breaker, according to dating coach, Damona Hoffman. Men like that are almost invariably players.

Sloppy or bad hygiene:

“Nothing turns off a woman faster than a guy who doesn’t take care of himself and make an effort to look (and smell!) presentable,” Hartle observes.  Maria LoTempio, a 40-something surgeon in New York concurs: “If a man cannot take pride in the details such as clean clothes, what am I to think how they will deal with organizing and being clean in their surroundings?”

Speaking of a man’s surroundings, you might want to look at his car. “Whether it’s a Mercedes or a Kia, a man should take pride in his car,” says dating and relationship expert, Lisa Concepcion. If he doesn’t take good care of his car, can you imagine what his bedroom looks like?

It’s not just a matter of it being unpleasant, however, according to relationship counsellor, Caroline Madden, PhD. “When a man can’t seem to take care of himself, it could be a signal that he’s looking for someone to take care of him.” And that should be a deal-breaker.

When it comes to personal hygiene, more is not always better. Here are the hygiene habits you need, and some you can throw out with the bathwater.


A man does not have to be a ripped, pro athlete, says Duncan, the 30-year old single woman from Chicago, but if he’s not taking care of his body and his health, he’s placing the burden of it on everyone around him. “If you’re not investing time into your health and body, it’s a huge red flag,” agrees dating and relationship expert, Megan Weks. “That lack of self-care is a deal-breaker because it indicates underlying issues, including a lack of self-love.”

Are you a guy who can’t seem to get yourself motivated to exercise? Here’s the secret to loving your workout.

Sartorially challenged:  

“Yes, we like you to look dapper,” says Weks, and for good reason. “Studies show that we attribute a lot of good qualities to you if you’re dressed well, so why wouldn’t a man make the effort? If a man can’t be bothered to make that effort, is he worth your effort?” We get it. Dressing badly equals deal breaker.

His roommate is … Mom:

It may sound a bit like the movie, Failure to Launch, in which Sarah Jessica Parker plays a woman who gets paid to help motivate men to move out of Mom’s house…but this is a bona fide real-life phenomenon. As hard as it is for some of us to fathom, there are men who continue to live with their moms well into their 20s, 30s, and beyond. And that is a deal-breaker, says actress and filmmaker, Audrey Lorea. “It’s not that he lives with his mother so much as it’s a symptom of a host of other problems,” she explains. These include lack of motivation, co-dependence, emotional immaturity, and a fear of commitment. “Moving out and living on your own is a huge part of personal development, and if a man hasn’t taken this leap, you should assume he’s stunted in other areas of his life as well.”

If you’re the mom of a young man, you’d best let him launch.

His roommate is…his ex:

This is also more common than you’d think (or than you’d like to believe). Men who remain under the same roof as their exes will offer up all sorts of excuses for doing so: the kids, the finances, the housing market. But none of them are valid, according to Dr. Madden, and a smart and emotionally healthy woman will not date a man who is living with his ex. It’s a deal-breaker. Period.

OK, men, so make a mental note: after you break up, you must move out

He comes with a posse:

Friends are healthy. A man should have friends. But what about if he’s got a posse that he travels with, or, worse, that he brings with him on dates?

That’s a deal-breaker, according to Dr. Madden. “More is not the merrier if you are honestly trying to get to know someone,” she explains, and a man who routinely brings his friends with him when he goes out with you is friend-zoning you, whether he realizes it or not. And if he’s not doing it consciously, then you need to do it for him.

“If we’re just starting to date,” agrees Lindsey Hall, a 28-year old single blogger from Denver, “please don’t throw me into a situation with five or six of your bros. Be respectful and take me out separately. Otherwise, it’s a deal-breaker.”

He’s a loner:

So, if traveling with a posse is a deal breaker, then shouldn’t it be music to a woman’s ears that a man is a lone wolf?

In a word: no.

“Women want to date men who have other healthy friendships or deep connections with people,” says therapist Colleen Andre, MA LMHC. “If they have no close friends or family that means all the attention good as well as bad is placed on you, which is a huge gap for you to fill.”

The waitress tests:

Virtually all our experts agreed on one thing: You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats those in the service profession, as divorcee and attorney, Randi Robbins, puts it. And if he treats them poorly, it’s a deal-breaker.

“A man who is rude to hardworking restaurant staff is revealing a preview of coming attractions,” according to behavioural expert, Wendy L. Patrick, JD, PhD. Duncan, the online business coach from Chicago has seen it in practice, noting that “how he treats the server is how he will, at some point, treat me.”

Bottom line on this one: if a man can’t pass the “waitress test,” it’s a deal breaker.


“When I’m on a date, I give my undivided attention, and I expect the same,” says Dr. LoTempio. “Otherwise, I don’t feel like we can connect.” And that means that divided attention is a deal-breaker for her. But she’s not the only one. Many of the single women and relationship experts we spoke to agree, and especially when it comes to men taking out their phone during a date.

“This should be a no brainer, but women tell me all the time that guys are on their phone,” says Dr. Madden, the relationship counsellor. Whether they’re texting with an ex or checking sports scores, it’s just bad form. As Michele Sonier, a 40-something single pilot and former Wall Street-er, puts it: “Just don’t take your phone out on our date.”

But the phone isn’t the only thing diverting a man’s attention. “Ogling other women is a full stop for any woman,” says Dr. Madden. “Yet some men go as far as to comment about other women while on a date.” It’s mind-boggling, and it’s a total deal-breaker even for bisexual women. “A man shouldn’t think that just because a woman is bisexual that she’s interested in cruising other women while she’s on their date.”

Bad conversation skills:

This is bad news, and it comes in many forms. For example, Robbins notices “” if he fails to ask me questions and only answers mine. Or if he doesn’t appear to be listening because he doesn’t reflect back any of what I’ve said.” Sonier notices if her date is constantly talking about himself.

According to relationship expert, Monique Homanan, “Women want to date men who are interesting and interested. Watch out if a man only wants to talk about himself, his job, his car, his friends, his hobbies, his bank accounts.” And about those bank accounts, Robbins would like to offer this tip to men: “Don’t talk about money at all. It’s uncomfortable. It reveals insecurity, and more importantly, a focus on materialism.”

Getting soused:

“Given the opioid crisis in America, everyone knows someone struggling with addiction. If you get hammered within the first few dates, that signals to me that you don’t care to keep it together, and therefore, I don’t have time for it,” says Denver blogger, Hall. “Sure, have a couple drinks to loosen up, and I will too, but women are weary of men who seem to have never left college.


This dirty, disgusting, and dangerous habit is a deal-breaker for almost every non-smoker (the top reasons being bad breath, smelly clothes, health concerns, and just a general sense of “why would you do that?”). But it’s a deal-breaker according to our experts as well.

“It’s amazing to see how many people agree to date a smoker with the hopes of getting them to quit,” notes relationship expert, Concepcion. “They tolerate bad breath and second-hand smoke just to be in a relationship. It’s a waste of time, bad for your health, and starts the relationship off with the need for someone to break a habit. Make it a deal breaker and move on!”

Dating coach, Hoffman says that even if you love to be a caretaker in a relationship, it’s too much, especially if you, yourself, have past or current addiction issues.

Excess baggage:

“Many people can go on to have a healthy and fruitful relationship even after divorces or separation with kids. But, several children with multiple women or a complicated ex can just trap you in the unnecessary mess and problems,” according to therapist Andre. Thirty-something singleton, Becky McKeown, recalls the time she went on a date with a man who had 13 kids from nine different baby-moms. It’s not a date she recalls fondly.

The reality, according to dating coach Hoffman is that regardless of how deeply a woman is attracted to you, if you have a messy situation with your child’s mother, you’ll end up on her “do not date list”. And one way you can tell that a messy situation exists is if a man talks negatively about his ex on the first date; when Robbins sees this, she’s out there because to her it means her date has unfinished business with his ex. For Robbins, it’s also a deal breaker if a man expresses animosity towards his children. “That’s a drama I want no part of,” she says.

Dr. LoTempio thinks that speaking ill of others in general speaks volumes about a man’s level of tolerance and kindness. In short, it’s a deal-breaker.

Antiquated views of women:

This is a deal-breaker for some women, but not for others. For single pilot Sonier, for whom being an “aviatrix” is a point of pride, if a man looks askance at her for her love of flying, there’s no point in continuing. “Why would you want to be a pilot?? What about kids, husband, family?” Sonier recalls being asked on more than one occasion. “My attitude is that it shouldn’t have to be a question of either/or. This isn’t the 1950s. But if that’s his attitude, we’re not dating.” Dr. LoTempio also notices that some men seem uncomfortable with her career as a surgeon. When she realizes that’s happening, she knows there’s no point in continuing because it’s not going to get better.

He doesn’t pay for the first date:

As forward-thinking as our single women and our experts are, they all agree, nevertheless, that the man should pick up the check on the first date. “It’s simply the universal sign that this has been a date,” explains Dr. Madden.

Even if the woman makes more money. “Even if she makes more,” according to Dr. Madden. “Yes, there’s probably going to be a moment where she’ll reach for the checkout of politeness, but if a man doesn’t grab that check away and pay it, himself, he’s acting like this isn’t a date. If it’s a date, a man should act like it.”

Film producer and singleton, Karen M.C. Kane sees it as a matter of respect. “Women want to feel valued by the man they’re involved with. If a man doesn’t want to pay for the first date, he’s sending a message that he values his wallet more than he values her.”

Irreconcilable differences:

“Women want to date men who hold similar values to their own,” says relationship expert Monique Honaman. “Massive incompatibilities regarding fundamental values should be deal-breakers.” Those incompatibilities can include:

how you handle money

your religious beliefs

your political views

where you stand on having kids

how you feel about pets

“I write about eating disorders and recover,” blogger Hall says, “so if you make fun of a mental health issue on our date, I’m going to assume that not only do you not mesh with my career choice, but you’re also not a nice person.”

“For me, I can tell a lot just by noticing how he treats my cat,” says the thirty-something singleton from Chicago. “How he treats my cat is at some point how he’s going to treat me. More to the point, says 28-year old single nutritionist, Arielle Simonis, “if he’s not an animal person—if he actually says he’s not an animal person—I get off that train as fast as I can.”

He’s pushy about sex:

“Women want to date someone who is attracted to them and vice versa, but when a man won’t keep his mouth shut about how much he wants to bed her (ahem, on the first date), best keep looking,” says Simonis, who sees it as a bad sign about his intentions. And if he won’t stop groping you? Run, says dating expert and spiritual consultant Rappaport.

Once things get consensually intimate, there are other potential deal-breakers. For example, a lack of chemistry or a lack of compatibility when it comes to sexual proclivities. Even worse is when a man gets kinky without asking first, according to author Evie Vane. “If he tries spanking, bondage, or rough sex without asking, he’s likely to get the boot.”

Assuming things are going well on the intimacy front, consider tapping into your secret sexual strength, based on your zodiac sign!

He’s a player:

“Be available,” suggests New York psychotherapist Thompson to all the men out there who don’t want to be written off by women who don’t want to date players. “You don’t have to sign up for marriage but if you aren’t even available to date, don’t waste anyone’s time. An easy way to tell that a man is a player is if he’s unwilling to let go of the dating apps, says Dr. Madden. Also, if his social media behaviour is “sketchy,” as described above.

“It’s important to date someone who’s looking for the same thing in a relationship. Women who want a relationship won’t want to date a player,” says psychologist and owner and director of New York City’s My Dating and Relationship School, Paulette Sherman, PsyD.

Signposts of abuse:

Emotional abuse can sneak up on you, but there are usually signs present right at the beginning. Here are some to consider as deal breakers:

  • Road rage:

Not only is being trapped in a car with an angry man downright terrifying, but it’s a good predictor of more anger to come, says Dr. Madden.

  • He can’t compromise:

If a man insists on eating only at his favourite restaurants, seeing his favourite movies, and hanging out with his friends to the exclusion of yours, it’s a bad sign, says relationships expert Honaman.

  • He won’t accept blame:

If he won’t take responsibility for his behaviour,  especially if he’s looking to blame someone else (or you), beware, says therapist Sedacca. “Blamers make for toxic partners.”

  • He’s too attentive:

If it’s only been a few dates, and he’s already constantly texting, calling, and checking in on you, that spells danger, says therapist Andre. You might be dealing with a controlling or insecure partner.

Whether you’re just dating or already in a relationship, please heed these relationship warning signs.

Home Alone & No One To Play With? Get Ready to Push Your Limits with Solo BDSM

What’s a kinky single to do? Flipping through profiles at FetLife or settling in for another night of endless internet clips isn’t always enough to satisfy your kinky cravings. You need to get some action now!

Maybe you already have a date for Friday, and who knows – it might pan out and you’ll meet that sexy submissive or domme you desire. But in the meantime, you need a little playtime. Of course, you could always find a local professional to help you out, but why not experiment with solo BDSM. There are plenty of challenging and exciting ways for you to stimulate yourself in the comfort and privacy of your own home.


Whether you’re a dom or a sub, you probably love the feel of ropes. For doms, it’s a great way to practice your technique. If you don’t have ropes handy there are plenty of other things around the house you could try, including, belts, scarves, or bandages. Tying yourself up can be tricky but with a little creativity it can be more exciting than you think. Check out this link for great self-bondage ideas. For an extra kick, throw a little flogging in, that’s if you have a free hand.

For safety sake, make sure you don’t get yourself into something you can’t get out of, and be aware that using gags can be dangerous when you’re alone. If you want to a try a ball gag alone without risking suffocation, try a whiffle ball with a scarf threaded through for a breathing passage.


When you control your orgasm, you can achieve and maintain a high level of arousal for a prolonged period before coming. Sounds great, right? What delicious torture! It can be very intense to tease yourself into hovering just a notch before climax, and when you finally decide to let yourself come, the orgasm is often bigger and better than usual. Even if you would normally be the one to tie and tease your partner, there’s always value in learning to control your own orgasms.

Alone, you have total control over the speed, feeling, and level of pressure. Try masturbating until you reach the plateau phase just before climax, then slow down just enough to avoid orgasming. Keep yourself at this level if you can before ultimately come or deny yourself altogether for some good ole orgasm denial. Make the clock your master – once you slow down to avoid climax, vow to keep yourself in blissful torture for a prescribed amount of time. I’m guessing even 3 minutes would be an eternity!


In need of a little punishment? Try flogging yourself! For some, flogging is all about the pain, but most will report that the real excitement comes from the release of endorphins. You’ll find it easy to whip your back and legs and with a little practice you’ll also be able to get at your backside. For those new to flogging, please read flogging basics and important safety information. Don’t have a flogger? Watch Drew Lion demonstrate how to make your own.


Is CBT your thing? Don’t wait for a mistress to stomp on your balls or put you on a very tight leash. It’s do-it-yourself time! CBT can range from edge play to more sensual acts. Take that tie off your neck and wrap it tightly around your cock and balls. Or pick up a ball stretcher to really expose your nuts to light whipping, dripping wax, or icy sensations.

Need some inspiration too, ladies? Consider clamps, clothes pins, mousetraps, or chopsticks with elastics. Throw in a bit of pussy paddling and spanking for good measure. Just remember to keep the circulation flowing and the temperature at a level that is safe.


You can be alone at home and still find a playmate to interact with online. I’ll give you two suggestions.

The less expensive option is to join a BDSM dating site with live video and audio chat rooms, make new friends, and have really naughty webcam sex. Hopefully you’ll also meet someone local, so you don’t have to top yourself forever. These sites are good value, usually under $30 a month to be part of a thriving BDSM community.

For immediate satisfaction, you can seek out live cam sites. Top or bottom, BSDM cam sex can be very good. If you’re a sub, find a dominatrix or very dominant cam girl who can cook up a scenario and tell you what to do. For doms, it can be a real buffet. Going for a private session is going to set you back. I recommend spending time in the open chat rooms and asking different women about their limits before treating yourself to some one-on-one.

What are your thoughts? Who’s tying themselves up and who’s teasing themselves to new heights of ecstasy? Dare to share?

25 Turn ons for Girls

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When you pull me over to your side of the bed in the morning.

    1. Because we are still waking up, and

there is no better way to do that than in a handsome guys arms.

When you tell me you think I’m beautiful.

Beautiful holds so much more weight than pretty or gorgeous, especially when a guy drops it unexpectedly when you are both just chilling out in your lounge wear.

When you compliment me on something non-physical.

I love it when you tell me how funny, kind, intelligent, or deep I am because it re-assures me that you are not just with me for my body. (But don’t stop telling me I’m beautiful either.)

When you are kind to total strangers.

When you get up for the elderly and pregnant ladies on the subway, or you stop to chat to a stranger on the street and pet his dog; my heart does a major backflip in my chest.

When you touch my knee under the table.

It doesn’t need to be anything more than your leg gently brushing mine, but it definitely heats things up a whole lot and gets me thinking.

When you remembered what I told you three weeks ago.

I’m always wondering if you are really listening to me. So when you do something thoughtful like treating me to lunch at that restaurant I told you I loved, or you secretly read my favorite book and then share your thoughts on it, I’m blown away.

When you make me laugh.

Who doesn’t love laughing? Make my sides hurt with laughter and you’ll instantly be more attractive than you were five minutes ago. Bonus points if you are able to laugh at yourself, too.

When you whisper in my ear.

It doesn’t matter so much what you are saying to me, but having your face so close against mine and feeling your warm breath against my ear just kind of does it for me.

When you give me a massage after a long, stressful day.

Even if you just massage my neck or my feet, I won’t be able to stop thinking about you touching me in other places.

When you gently touch my hair.

When you tuck a strand of my purple hair back behind my ear it is such an innocent act but gets me falling hard for you every time.

When you surprise me.

Something as small as showing up with my favorite candy bar, or picking a flower on your way over to my place and giving it to me, or something as extravagant as a romantic weekend away it doesn’t really matter what the surprise is, because it all shows that you are thinking about me.

When we wake up and you are already making coffee.

You can stay over ALL the time if this is what mornings look like with you.

When you are a total gentleman.

Most girls still like a bit of chivalry and to be treated like ladies. Open the door for us, hold our hand when were crossing the road, or pull the chair out for us at dinner and well be putty in your hands.

When you are quietly confident.

Women love confidence, but not the showing off kind. When you are standing tall, but sitting back, and quietly taking your surroundings in that is sexy as hell.

When you pulls my legs onto your lap when we are watching TV.

My feet feel like they’ve been transported to a spa, and your hands caressing my legs feels amazing.

When you touch me lightly.

Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy who doesn’t rush things girls LOVE the build up. Touch us lightly, softly, and subtly all over our arms, legs, neck, and face and well go from zero to ten in no time.

When you text me cute random messages.

It could be something as small as, hope you are having a great day, or I can’t wait to see you tonight. It doesn’t really matter what you say, it is the simple act of letting me know you are thinking of me that gets me going.

When you cook us a candle-lit dinner.

Girls love food, even those of us who order salads when were on a date with you. Even if you can’t cook and the meal ends up being terrible, well still think you are awesome for going to all that effort. And well want to say thank you.

When you don’t just kiss my lips.

That sweet spot behind my ears, the back of my neck, and my forehead are all sensitive areas for us ladies and huge turn ons. It mixes the usual make-out session up, and adds to the anticipation of your lips finally meeting mine.

When you carry my suitcase and yours.

It is not that I’m incapable of carrying my own bag, it is just lovely when someone unexpectedly takes the weight off and makes my life a little easier. The image of a man quietly showing me his strength is super sexy.

When you lift me up literally.

Maybe its because Ive seen Dirty Dancing one too many times, but I’m a sucker for being lifted up, or spun around. The feeling of our bodies fitting next to each other feels sensual and spontaneous, and you’ll win my heart every time.

When you are patient.

When you are happy to wait however long it takes, whether it comes to getting physical or getting ready in the mornings, the happier I’ll be with you. You won’t believe the number of times other guys will have tried to rush me, so when you give me the time I need its refreshingly sweet and so noticed.

When you smells incredible.

Yes, I want my man to look good, but the right smell can light up my senses, and magnetically draw me closer and closer to you.

When you wear a tux or tailored suit.

There is nothing more attractive than a guy who is suited and booted and looking like a straight up ten outta ten. As long as you are wearing it with confidence, you’ll instantly look hotter and more powerful in my eyes.

When you come up behind me and hug me.

When I’m doing the dishes, putting my makeup on, or cooking dinner, and you put your arm around my waist from behind, and maybe also kisses my neck This is GOLD.