An Introduction to Paddles: Safety, size and materials

For lovers of impact play, there are a few favourites. Spankings, are of course, a classic. Yet paddles, in all their shapes, sizes and materials, come close. Paddles are great for covering a larger area than hands; they are also easier on the top in the long run. Many impact scenes usually begin with a spanking and graduate up to paddles to increase the intensity.

Paddles, unlike whips or floggers, are generally considered safe and easy to use. However, just like a hand spanking, there are risks to using them (yes, even though they’re tons of fun). Knowledge of safe paddling techniques, along with the different types of paddles that exist, can help you make this both a safe and pleasurable activity for all partners involved.

The Basics of Paddling Safety

Before you engage in any kind of impact play, it’s important to understand the body and how it works. Large areas with lots of fat and muscle – like the bum – are great for impact play because they are usually far from essential organs.

In other words, avoid hitting the front part of the body, along the spine, the neck, the face, or the head. Beginners can easily keep their impact play to the buttocks and upper thighs until they get more practice and gain more knowledge of the body.

On the buttocks themselves, there are parts that are more and less painful. Most of the impact should be on the middle of the buttocks, at their apex, and lower. Hitting higher than the apex (roundest, most prominent part) can cause damage to the tailbone and the kind of the pain that bottoms don’t tend to enjoy.

Of course, as with all BDSM play, using safe words between trusted partners is essential. This means a thorough negotiation and getting to know each other beforehand. Also, ensure that your toys are in good condition. Discard anything that seems broken or unsafe.

Types of Paddles

There are two general types of paddles: straight paddles and slappers. Paddles are the things you imagine: one piece, in a rectangular or round shape, usually made of leather, but also made in wood or plastic.

Slappers are like two paddles put together in layers. When you hit someone with it, the top layers “slap” against the bottom layers, creating extra impact. They’re a little bit more intense, and a little bit more painful.

You’ll also find paddles with and without holes. Paddles with holes are more intense and painful because of the lower amount of air friction between the object and the person’s skin. It means that you can hit harder, with less effort. Beginners should stick to full, no-hole paddles until they have a good sense of their strength and how to control it

Paddle Sizes


Remember: the smaller the impact area, the more painful it will be. It’s better to use larger implements for a warm-up, and then move on to smaller ones to inflict more localized pain. Also, warming up gets the blood flow started and the endorphins going, which makes it easier to handle more painful toys down the road.

Of course, even a large paddle can hurt a lot if you hit hard enough, but a good rule of thumb is moving from larger to smaller impact size for a good progression through the spanking.

Paddle Materials

Most mass-market paddles you will find in sex stores are made of faux leather covering a cardboard or soft plastic core. This is a good choice for beginners, as the lighter core makes for a lighter impact, and faux leather softens the blow a little. Paddles with softer cores can be flexed or bent a little.


Real leather stings more, and the harder and less flexible the core, the more painful the impact.

Hard materials like wood and Perspex (a type of plastic) are much less forgiving. If you decide to use wood, make sure that the wood is treated and properly varnished; otherwise, you may end up with very painful and dangerous wood splinters. If you notice a split in your wood paddle, stop using it immediately.

Sturdy and resistant fiberglass and Perspex are excellent materials for more advanced players. They don’t break easily, and they provide quite a sting in the right hands.

Never, ever use objects made of cheap plastic or glass. Glass, especially, can cause severe injuries when broken against skin.

Read: 8 Tips for Buying Your First Spanking Paddle

Ready? Get Paddling!

Now that you know a little more about impact safety and the features of different paddles, you can begin exploring new horizons in impact play. Have fun!

Erotic Spanking 101

Why Spanking Is Sensual

Some people think spanking a lover’s a bit odd, or even taboo, but a good spanking in the bedroom certainly has its perks. In fact, ever since the release of “Fifty Shades of Grey” a few years ago, an increasing number of people have been showing an interest in this type of kinky play.

In fact, according to statistics published by the British Sexual Fantasy Research Project (seriously, how cool is that?) in 2007, 18% of British men and 7% of British women fantasize about spanking someone, while 11% of men and 13%of women fantasize about being spanked. (Sadly, Americans don’t appear to be kinky enough to slap some stats together on spanking, but you can bet your ass it has it fans on this side of the pond too.)

Why spanking, you ask? Well, it feels good, darn it! Unlike other erogenous zones, the buttocks are fleshy and fatty. For most people, this means that a decent amount of pressure on the bottom is not only tolerable, but also necessary in order to bring on pleasurable sensations. And, because the old derrière is, for many people, an erotic zone, a good spank can be the best way to fire it up. The act of spanking itself also has not-so-subtle tones of dominance and submission, which can be oh-so-sexy in and of itself. (Check out A Beginner’s Guide to Submission for more sexy insight.)

If you’re looking to add a little spice to your sex life or want a taste of some soft-core BDSM, spanking might be just the thing for you and your partner. The right approach and techniques, however, are key components for making a good spanking a sexy thing.

Talk First, Spank Later

Communication is essential if you’re looking to give your partner a few sharp slaps – or receive some yourself. An unexpected spanking can be a real slap in the face if the feeling isn’t mutual. Before you bring out the whips and paddles, bring up spanking casually with your partner to feel things out. Then, you can discuss how you both feel about spanking, and maybe give it a try.

Think this sounds awkward? So, will giving your partner a smack he or she doesn’t want. Consent is essential. Plus, discussing what you want to do to each other is great foreplay! (Find out how to broach to topic in Yes! Why Consent Is Totally Sexy.)

Play by the Rules

Spanking can be painful, both physically and emotionally. A lot of people love to play with the boundaries of pain, punishment and pleasure, but setting some rules beforehand is essential. In fact, those who enjoy BDSM live by this rule. So, discuss your limits. Tell your partner what you’re willing to try. And then tell them what you absolutely won’t do. Then listen to get that same information from your partner.

Of course, you aren’t looking to hurt anyone (much), but injury is possible. That’s why a safe word is essential. This is a word or phrase that you would not normally say during sex. The colours of a traffic light – red, yellow, and green – make an excellent safe word system and are used widely in the BDSM community. “Red” means all activity should stop immediately; “yellow” means slow down or ease up. “Green,” of course, means get your spank on!

Set the Mood

Like any erotic activity, it’s important to set the mood before you let loose on your partner’s behind. If he or she isn’t sufficiently aroused, the spanking won’t be erotic, just painful – and not in a good way.

It’s best to go slow and let the festivities progress naturally. Start with a little cuddling and kissing, then progress to foreplay. A little hint of dirty talk can really help set the mood too, especially if someone is being particularly naughty. (Find out what to say and how to say it in Talk Dirty to Me: The Why and How of Hot Aural Sex.)

Get in On the Act

Role-playing isn’t necessary if you want to explore your spanking fantasy, but it sure can be a fun way to add to the overall experience. In fact, it may be easier to be the spanker or the spankee when you take the time to get into character.

Any type of dominance and submission role-playing is perfect for a night of spanking. Some prime examples include master and slave, teacher and student, or daddy and little girl role-playing. Only you know what kind of storyline moves you, so get creative.

Assume the Position

When it comes to spanking positions, you have a lot to choose from. Probably the most common spanking position is the over-the-knee position. Here, the spankee is draped over the spanker’s lap. It’s intimate, simple and sexy.

Of course, there’s more than one way to flog a friend. If the over-the-knee position isn’t doing it for you, there are several more to choose from. Try having the spankee lean over a piece of furniture, stand and lean against the wall, kneel on their hands and knees, or lie face-down on the bed or floor. There is even sex furniture designed specifically for spanking!

Get Warmed Up

Spankers: Start slow. It’s best to warm your partner up a little before any real walloping begins. Start with light and gentle caresses first. If you partner responds well, you can work your way up to gentle swats, and finally to a good, full-blown spanking.

Experiment with Technique

Not all spanking techniques are created equal, and a little experimenting in this area will help you and your partner find the ones that work best. Spanking techniques can be changed up every so often by varying the shape of the hand, intensity and speed of your strikes. For example, cupping your hand while spanking will usually result in a duller, deeper thud rather than the stinging sensation that usually results from spanking with a flat palm. Alternating between caresses and swats, or firmly grasping the buttocks at the end of each stroke are also great ways to mix it up a bit. Also, don’t be afraid to experiment with following through with your swats as opposed to letting the hand bounce off the buttocks slightly, as each of these methods produce totally different sensations. Above all, listen to how your partner responds and react to it. (You can also use a paddle? Learn about the difference between a wood, silicone or leather spanking paddle here.)

Don’t Be a Masochist

An erotic spanking should be … well, erotic. Be sure to incorporate some sensual action into the spanking, especially as you gage your partner’s passion for pain. For instance, you could lightly scratch, tickle, or rub the buttocks between spanks, or stroke the anus or genitals while spanking. With a little practice and the proper training, it may be possible to make someone orgasm from spanking alone!

Play Safe

Pain can be pleasure, but injury means you’ve gone too far. Always keep spanking to the fleshy area of the buttocks. Spanking on bony areas, such as the tail bone and hip bones, can be rather painful and even leave ugly bruises. Never, ever spank a partner just above the buttocks, as this can result in spinal or kidney trauma.

The partner being spanked shouldn’t be afraid to communicate during spanking sessions and be willing to tell their spanker when it’s too much. The spanker should also respect the spankee’s boundaries and stop spanking when the safe word is uttered.

Don’t Forget to Cuddle

The period following a spanking session is just as important as the spanking itself. This is a time to relax, unwind, and discuss what you both liked – and didn’t like. If the spanking session was particularly intense, a little cuddling may be in order. A warm bubble bath or cool washcloth on the buttocks is also very soothing and can be an excellent way to bond after a spanking session.

Getting Cheeky with It

Spanking can be exciting, arousing and oh-so-sensual. If a little (or a lot) of pain is your pleasure of choice, you might want to bend over and give spanking a try. Or maybe deliver a swat or two to your partner.

Flogging 101

Safety First!

So, you think you already know everything there is to know about playing safely? Well sorry folks, but we’re not buying it!

First things first; practice makes perfect! Make sure you perfect your aim and technique before you hit them with the hard sell. If done incorrectly, a flogging can result in ‘wrapping’. This is when the tips of the tails overlap the desired area, causing injury elsewhere. This can potentially be extremely dangerous. Until you are confident that your aim is accurate, it is worth protecting vulnerable areas with clothes, blankets or towels.

If you are using restraints for your scene, please keep an eye out for indications that there may be a circulatory problem. These include a change in colour, a loss of sensation, or a drop-in temperature. If you notice any of these symptoms, or anything else that is unusual, please stop immediately.

We know those tails are wagging but it’s important not to get too carried away, so please try to restrain yourself!

Do

  • Avoid the tailbone, spine, kidneys, face and neck
  • Protect sensitive spots with clothing, blankets, towels or pillows
  • Aim your flogger so that the tips land first to avoid ‘wrapping’
  • Be gentle with the soles of the feet, calves, genitals and breasts
  • Stop if you notice any symptoms of circulatory problems

Don’t

  • Choose a heavy flogger with long tails
  • Choose a flogger with braided, beaded or knotted tails (you can work your way up to these)
  • Use your flogger with multiple partners
  • Play without practicing on a pillow/towel rack first

Choosing the best flogger for you, your bottom and occasion

A flogger is a sadistic tool of torment comprising of a handle and multiple lengthy tails, also known as falls.

You probably know by now that there are two common sensations associated with spanking. One is ‘stingy’ and the other is ‘thuddy’. A sting is felt on the surface of the skin, whereas a thud is a much deeper pain that feels like being pushed or poked hard in the ‘sweet spot’. So, what characteristics determine whether your bottom will be on the receiving end of a thud or a sting? Well, the more tails the flogger has, and the wider they are, the greater the thud. Conversely, a light flogger, with very few narrow tails will deliver a satisfying sting. Beginners should steer clear of heavy floggers with a great number of tails, as they can be quite difficult to control. Some floggers have extremely soft tails which are more suited to those that enjoy a gentle massage or some supreme sensation play.

So now know what to look for in your flogger, we’re not taking the fall if you make the wrong choice!

Materials

We know that you guys aren’t materialistic, but there are certain facts that need to be addressed before you pick out your flogger! So, just to make things easy, we’ve broken down the different materials and types to help you make your choice:

    • A rubber flogger will bounce of your bottom’s skin with a satisfying sting. Well renowned for its severity, it is only for those who are more experienced. It may even cause abrasions and cuts, so take care and follow our spanking safety tips. You’ve got to have real balls to give this a go!
    • Are you a real animal when it comes to your BDSM scene? Then a leather/faux leather flogger could be the perfect choice for you. This type of flogger hits hard and is designed to bruise the ego as well as the skin.
    • Everyone loses control now and then, right? Well, it’s certainly not recommended for your flogging scene. So, steer clear of a PVC flogger unless you’ve had lots of practice beforehand. PVC is rigid making it a little difficult to manage; however, it is durable and long lasting so you could potentially make a life-long friend.
    • Gently does it! A suede flogger may look like a softie but be careful not to mess with it; it also has a real sting in its tail. Ideal to ease beginners into the wonderful world of flogging, it is also the perfect choice for sensation play enthusiasts.
    • The material may be synthetic, but the experience will be anything but! Nylon floggers are durable and much easier to clean than many other materials. When looped, it will produce either a stingy or thuddy sensation depending upon the thickness of the tails. Play safely though; this is bound to be a cutting experience for your bottom!
    • So, you’ve successfully roped your bottom into getting a severe flogging? Well congratulations, you’re in for a real treat. A rope flogger can be gentle or stingy, depending on how you use it. But be sure to wait until you’re a little more experienced before tying the knot!
    • You may be ready for the ride of your life, but it’s important not to gallop before you can walk! Horsehair floggers can deliver a sharp sting; however, each individual hair has tiny barbs which can cut the skin, so use with care. We may be flogging a dead horse here, but this is not an ideal choice for beginners.
    • Are you ready to break free from societal ‘norms’ and engage in some fabulous flagellation? Well, a chain flogger promises not to disappoint. Although it has a real sting in its tails, it also guarantees some supreme sensation play. Tease and please as that cold metal moves slowly over every inch of your bottom’s body. For electrifying pleasure, why not add a violet wand to your play?
  • If you’re concerned that things may get a little hairy, a fur flogger could be just the solution for you! Perfect when it comes to some sumptuous sensation play, it can also be used to cool things down after an intense spanking scene. A flogger of this kind is typically made from rabbit fur or a similar synthetic material, so there’ll be no need for digging when you introduce it to your bottom.

Flogger Types

  • For those astute flogging pupils, you may wish to try a martinet. However, for those that are just starting out, this a device that should be avoided at all costs. Don’t let looks fool you; it may be small, but it is a fierce little weapon. All orders will be obeyed when a martinet is present.
  • For those that enjoy a well-balanced diet of flogging and other BDSM activities! Balanced floggers are designed so that the handle counteracts the weight of the tails, putting less strain on the flogging wrist. This is often an important design feature for those that take their flagellation seriously. There are two main types of balanced flogger; one is fancy and the other is shot loaded.
  • If you don’t want your bottom telling you to “Get knotted”, we’d recommend steering clear of a braided/knotted flogger until you’re a little more experienced. This type of flogger will add to the sting and intensity of your whole experience.
  • Cats may have nine lives, but after one scene with a cat o’ nine tails you’re certain to feel as though you’ve died and gone to heaven! Typically, a cat o’ nine tails has less falls than other floggers, and they can usually be counted at a single glance. For this reason, they are particularly stingy. So, beware; bottoms may scratch!
  • So, you’re ready to play hardball? Well, a ball handle flogger not only allows for easy grip and control, it aids wrist movement making it easier to perfect that terrifying technique. Usually sold in pairs, ball handle floggers are ideal for dual wielding (two handed flogging), which makes them suited to the more advanced among us. So, make sure you wait until you’re completely ready before giving it a go. That is if you think can handle it!
  • It’s probably best to steer clear of this type of flogger until you’re a little more experienced. That is if you want to avoid an offensive hand gesture, accompanied by an instruction to go and “swivel”! A swivel handle flogger is easy to use and doesn’t put too much pressure on the wrist. This makes it relatively easy to control and minimises the need to twist and flip the tails. However, it can be a little difficult to perfect technique, so make sure you practice (a lot) prior to your play.
  • Want to add a little beauty to your brawn? Well poi handle floggers will certainly do just that! For dual wielding with a difference, this type of flogger is certainly the most artistic method of delivery. Built for ease of movement and comfortable grip, the lightweight design means that it will fly, landing with a real sting. Please don’t use poi handle floggers until you are 100% confident in your technique.

Positions

Positions, positions! Yes, there certainly are a few in which to endure a ferocious flogging. However, let’s first explore the optimum stance for the flog-ger rather than the flog-ee. You may want to warm up those quads and practice those squats, because this position is somewhat like that of a fencer. Firstly, lunge in the direction of your bottom, with the nearest foot pointing towards them. The rear foot should be pointing outwards. Slightly bend the knees to facilitate easy movement. This will allow you to move into the strokes, putting a greater deal of force behind them.

A popular choice when it comes to flogging is restrained, particularly from a door, St. Andrew’s cross, or a frame. Not only does this add to the scene, it keeps the bottom in place so that when they start flying there is less risk of injury due to unexpected movement.

Before you get your heart set on a position of choice, where exactly is your ‘sweet spot’? The buttocks, upper thighs, and shoulder blades are the most common choices; however, the soles of the feet, calves, genitals, chest and breasts are also popular spots. If you choose one of the latter, stick to swift gentle hits, we don’t want you damaging that muscle tissue.

https://www.uberkinky.co.uk/essential-guides/impact-play-guides/beginners-guide-to-spanking.html

Techniques

It’s all in the technique! And when it comes to a faultless flogging, there certainly are a few. Firstly, why not ramp up the sensation aspect of your play? Sadistically swing that flogger in a circular motion, allowing it to cut through the air. Move it closer to the bottom, so it is merely inches away from their skin. Allow them to feel the air move against their skin and to hear that terrifying sound as the flogger makes its way towards them. You could even let them smell it for added sensual gratification.

Some people choose to dish out their corporal punishment in sets. In between sets the bottom will rest. What better time to gently brush the tails of the flogger between the legs and stimulate the genitals, or softly stroke your fingers over their skin? It’s a good idea to have a little water spray or fan at the ready so that you can cool things down from time to time. After the well-deserved break, you may find that you can resume with much harder hits.

Don’t forget; be gentle when you’re first starting out. It’s vital to use slow and mild strokes, allowing the tails to lightly fall on the bottom’s skin. A good grip is a must so that you can maintain an optimum level of control. So, hold on tight, because this is going to be one hell of a ride!

    • Sting & Thud – Who doesn’t love change? Well it may be scary, but it’s certainly fun. As its name suggests this technique simply means to alternate between the two different flogging sensations; stingy and thuddy. This can either be achieved using two different floggers, or simply by altering the way in which the flogger strikes the skin. You should by now have some idea of which features to look for, and how to attack the skin, depending on your chosen sensation (lift before impact for a sting, press down for a thud). Not only does this technique give some much-needed respite when one sensation becomes too much, it also keeps that naughty bottom guessing.
    • Cyclic/Rhythmic – There’s no point in going around and around in circles here; you already know that flogging is indeed a painful punishment. However, creating patterns can be particularly painful/pleasurable and somewhat hypnotic. For those that lack rhythm, have no fear; you’ll have perfected those all-important moves in no time. When we refer to cyclic/rhythmic, we specifically mean the use of patterns. This could vary from simple circles, which with little practice could see you alternating between areas (for example, right to left butt cheek or right to left shoulder blade) in no time, to creating a figure of 8 or other more elaborate patterns. A figure of 8 can be produced with a downward diagonal stroke (at 2 o’clock) on the right-hand side, and then by mirroring the same movement opposite.
    • Dual wielding/Florentine – For double the pleasure/pain! Please do not attempt two handed flogging until you are completely certain that you have perfected your technique. It is vital that you go slowly and gradually work your way up to this style of flogging. Don’t forget; practice makes perfect, so have your pillow at the ready.  The Florentine (four or six point) is an advanced dual wielding technique which involves the rhythmic use of a pair of matching floggers (either identical or weighing the same) in a downward stroke on the back. They are pulled upwards quickly to avoid the spinal area and kidneys. There are many internet resources which demonstrate /instruct how to perform the Florentine correctly. Other dual wielding techniques include a two-handed figure of 8.
    • Happy ending – No, we’re not talking in a Thai massage parlour! The bottom is likely to be floating around in subspace during their flogging, so how you bring them back to reality is very important. If it’s time for the scene to end, or you’re ready to move onto bigger and better things, choose some way of involving them in the decision. Some Tops ask the bottom to choose a number between one and twenty. This is the number of hits they will give them before ending play. Others simply dictate the amount or have the bottom signal in some way when they are happy to finish. Whichever method you choose, each allows the bottom to come to terms that their punishment is nearly over.

Flogger care & Storage

So, how do you plan to look after your flogger? Come on, don’t leave us hanging! Oh… you want us to tell you?!

It can be rather difficult to keep floggers clean, not least because the majority, if not all, of the materials used to make them are porous. This means that they can harbour bacteria and potentially transmit infections. For this reason, we advise against sharing your flogger with multiple partners. Although unlikely to draw blood, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

Like you, we love all things dirty 😉 However, it’s essential to clean your flogger after every use so that it’s ready to play whenever you are. Never submerge it in water, simply wipe down with either hot, soapy water or a bleach solution (one-part bleach to ten parts water). Alternatively, you can sterilize it using antibacterial toy cleaner or alcohol swabs.

Floggers made from leather or suede may need to be conditioned with a specialised cream. However, some can discolour the material, so it’s worth testing on a small patch before lavishing it aplenty. Some people find treating their suede flogger with Nubuck helps to keep it in tip top condition.

Horsehair floggers also require special care. The hair can be washed with liquid soap and warm/hot water, which you can then blot dry and brush with a wide toothed comb.

Dry your flogger out slowly and naturally, otherwise it could crack and become rigid. It should be stored hung up in a well-ventilated place to avoid kinking. Try to ruffle the tails every now and again too. This will stop it from stiffening up. It’s also worth sprinkling rubber floggers with talc occasionally. This will stop the falls from sticking together.

Take good care of your flogger and it will last a lifetime.

Homemade Sex Toys & DIY sex toys

Homemade sex toys and DIY sex toys can seem a little scary – especially if you’ve read some truly awful stories about people using household items during sex and suffering the consequences. Good quality sex toys need to be made from body-safe materials so that you and your vulva are kept in tip top condition.

But that doesn’t mean DIY and homemade sex toys are totally out of the question – especially as we’re aware not everyone can afford to splash out on a vibrator.  There are some safe items you can fashion and use as sex toys.

Recently we’ve seen the use of homemade sex toys and DIY sex toys rise as people look for things to increase the intimacy and get sexy at home. Cucumbers, hairbrushes, mobile phones… these are all things people have experimented with during masturbation. Firstly, I don’t think any of us really want our mobile phone stuck inside us! Secondly – and most importantly – this is very dangerous. Inserting objects like this can upset the natural balances of your vagina and cause all sorts of infections.”

Homemade sex toys and DIY sex toys can be safe.

HOMEMADE SEX TOYS AND DIY SEX TOYS YOU CAN FASHION YOURSELF

  • Feathers

Tease and titillate your partner with the soft, delicate touch of a feather. Using feathers during sex is a great way to build anticipation and leave your partner gasping for your touch. Trace your lover’s body with the feather to heighten their sensations, leaving nerve-endings tingling from head-to-toe.

If it’s more intense pleasure you’re after, you can try using a vibrator while your partner teases your neck, nipples and inner thighs with a feather.

  • Ice cubes

One of the most exciting sex-sations can be found right in your freezer (no, not the expired breakfast burrito you should’ve thrown out weeks ago — please get rid of that). Temperature play can stimulate your nerve endings in intense ways during sex. And when ice so easy to make, why not give it a try?

Temperature play can be a fun way to try out new sensations and increase sensitivity. Use an ice cube during oral sex, to tease nipples and to create light puddles you can both lick off each other’s bodies.

Start by sucking an ice cube, before taking it out and giving your partner oral sex. At the same time, you can use that same ice cube to trace along their inner thighs. This mixture of hot and cold can really blow their mind. Don’t forget to take it in turns because trust us, being on the receiving end is amazing.

  • A tie/ribbon/piece of fabric

If you don’t have an old tie knocking around, you could also try a ribbon or a piece of fabric to use as a blindfold. Shutting one of your senses naturally intensifies the others, which means you’ll be extra receptive to your partner’s touch.

Blindfolds are a great way to explore power during sex, giving you both a chance to play the dominant role. For lots of us, not being able to see also reduces inhibitions, which means you’ll be less focused on your ‘O face’ and more focused on every movement your partner makes. Start by kissing their neck before nibbling their nipples and licking every inch of their body. The teasing will drive them wild.

  • Your shower head

This one might sound as cliché as using your electric toothbrush, but ye olde shower head is much safer. There’s a reason why masturbating in the bath or shower is so popular. Firstly, you’re already naked… you’re wet and slippery, you’re relaxed, and you have some time to yourself.

Take the shower head and press it against your clitoris starting from cold to warm. If you have a fancy shower head with different intensity settings – now’s your chance to finally try them out. If you have a waterproof vibrator you can also use this alongside the shower head for double the sensations.

  • A scarf

A scarf is an item of many talents, apparently. Ask your partner to tie your wrists together, or to your headboard, and try your own power play scenario. With your hands (and even your feet) tied, you won’t have any say in where your partner touches or squeezes. This will leave you feeling exhilarated, begging them for more. Just be sure to establish your boundaries and safe words before you start playing

  • A spatula

The flexible design of a spatula makes for a very handy spanking tool.  Simply bend over your partner’s lap, or ask them to bend over you, and bite your lip as you prepare for the satisfying sensation of the spatula spanking your bottom.

If you want to be extra naughty, try using your favourite vibrator at the same time. This combination of pleasurable pain and your pulsating clitoris will quickly become a new favourite.

  • Food

Some food cupboard and fridge items that you may have can work well incorporated into your sexual experimentation. Honey, whipped cream and melted chocolate can give you a completely new experience and, although it’s messy, it engages all of your five senses.

Remember that too much sugar around your vagina can encourage yeast, so keep the food play centred around your lips, nipples, tongue, neck, belly button, toes – whatever you’re into.

  • Cucumber

    It might seem cliché, but for good reason — the dependable cucumber might be the oldest masturbatory veggie of choice out there. They come in a variety of lengths and girths and are extremely firm, making them ideal for penetration. Once you’ve picked one out, be sure to wash it and put a condom on it before use.
  • Banana

Head to the grocery store and then, yes, drop that sucker between your legs. Do we really have to explain? Just remember to cover any phallic fruits or vegetables with a condom before inserting them.

  • Stockings

Take advantage of this fall wardrobe staple in the bedroom. After going through all the trouble, it takes to get these stockings on and off, you deservea sexy reward. Get creative and incorporate them into some BDSM play with a partner. Wrap them around your eyes a few times as a blindfold or tie them around wrists or ankles and secure them to your bedposts as restraints.

  • Back Massager

    You can massage your neck, your back… or you can try a sexier massage with this vibrator-substitute. Experiment with different angles and vibration patterns and intensities to figure out what works for you. (And don’t forget to properly clean it before putting it back on your desk chair.)

  • Bathtub

    Your next relaxing night in just got a lot steamier. Position your erogenous zones under a running bathtub faucet for a continuous stream of pleasure. Try experimenting with different pressures and temperatures until you find what works best for you. Bonus: Once you’ve finished, just slide back into the bath and drop in a bath bomb to continue unwinding.

  • Washing Machine

    We all remember that iconic Mad Men moment in which Betty Draper discovers the vibrating powers of her washing machine — and it was no Hollywood illusion. The spin cycle might be one of the oldest vibrators out there. Does a pair of shoes in the dryer do it for you? Play around with different load sizes and laundry items like they’re settings on your Magic Wand.

  • Your Cell Phone

    You know you’ve thought about it — your phone already vibrates, after all. You don’t even need to turn your alert settings up to get off; there’s an app for that.In fact, there are a few apps that turn your phone into a vibrator, and they’re listed discreetly in the “Health & Fitness” section of the iTunes Store. Just peruse, download (almost all of them are free), clean and cover your phone with a body-safe silicone case and go to town. Your iPhone might not have enough vibrating power to make you come, but it’s an easy at-home start.

  • Face Cleansing Brush

    You may already know how the vibrations of a face cleanser can work wonders for your complexion. What you may not be familiar with is how that buzz-buzz could make you come if you place the back end (brush side facing out) of the face cleanser against your clit. Orgasms may improve your complexion on their own.

  •  Hairbrush

Raise your hand if one of the first things you masturbated with was a hairbrush handle (raises hand). The ribbed handle on this gel grip adds extra pleasure. Just make sure to wash with antibiotic soap and water after each use.

  • Belt

    Bondage ropes can be hot, but having your partner simply pull off the belt they wore to work in the heat of the moment and use it to restrain you can be even hotter.

  •  Electric Toothbrush

Battery run out on your fancy grown-up vibrator? Have your partner hold the handle of their electric toothbrush against your clit (just make sure to wash after use!).

Consent Consent Consent

consent

/kənˈsɛnt/

noun

  1. permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

“no change may be made without the consent of all the partners”

Similar: agreement, assent, concurrence, accord, permission, authorization, sanction, leave, clearance, acquiescence, acceptance, approval, seal of approval, stamp of approval, imprimatur, backing, endorsement, confirmation, support, favour, good wishes, go-ahead, thumbs up, green light, OK, approbation.

Opposite: dissent

verb

  1. give permission for something to happen.

“he consented to a search by a detective”

Similar: agree to, assent to, allow, give permission for

Types of Consent

  • Informed consent

“To be informed, consent must be given by persons who are competent to consent, have consented voluntarily, are fully informed about the research, and have comprehended what they have been told” (Chambliss and Schutt 2010, pp.57-8). Unless they are emancipated minors, individuals under 18 may never give consent. Also question the legal competence of people affected by mental illness or institutionalized in the prison system. If a person is not legally competent to give consent, a parent or legal guardian must give it. The participant may still give assent.

  • Implied consent

This is acceptable for studies that provide anonymity, such as opinion surveys. A statement at the top of the instrument should clearly state that by filling it, the participant consents to participate, but does not wave any of their rights as research participant.

  • Explicit consent

Participants give consent by answering a specific question about their willingness to participate. This may be done in written (consent form) or oral form.

  • Active consent

Participants indicate their willingness to participate by agreeing to a specific statement, and then are included in the study.

  • Passive consent

This procedure is often used in schools that send forms to parents asking them to allow their students to participate in various studies or activities. Although it yields high participation rates, it should be limited to completely innocuous research (typically not involving minors). It is acceptable for participant observation (ethnographic) projects.

  • Written consent

Participants give their consent by filling out a consent form. Written consent guarantees active and explicit consent, thus offering the highest guarantees to the participant. It is most appropriate in studies that contain some level of risk, but also in many studies with no risk above those of daily life, when participants disclose personal or sensitive information, when they are exposed to deception, or any experimental treatment.

Consent within BDSM is when a participant gives their permission for certain acts or types of relationships. It bears much in common with the concept of informed consent and is simultaneously a personal, ethical and social issue. It is an issue that attracts much attention within BDSM, resulting in competing models of consent such as safe, sane and consensual and risk-aware consensual kink. Observers from outside the BDSM community have also commented on the issue of consent in BDSM, sometimes referring to legal consent which is a separate and largely unrelated matter. However, the presence of explicit consent within BDSM can often have implications for BDSM and the law and, depending on the country the participants are in, may make the differences between being prosecuted or not.

Where an act has been previously consented to, the consent can be terminated at any point, and by any participant, through using a safe word. Within BDSM it is generally considered a high-risk activity to engage in BDSM without a safe word. Acts undertaken with a lack of explicit consent may be considered abusive and those who ignore the use of a safe word may be shunned within the BDSM subculture.  One study has shown that BDSM negotiations to establish consent consist of four parts covering style of play, body parts, limits and safe words.

Consent, consent, consent

Despite what you might think from Fifty Shades, consent is not just a matter of having a safe word! In fact, we can see from Fifty Shades itself that safe words are not enough. The first time that Christian spanks Ana she’s not sure if she likes it. Her feelings about it change from when it happens to later when she reflects on it. She has similar ambivalence on other occasions but clearly doesn’t feel that she can use her safe word to express that uncertainty.

There are huge cultural pressures around sex. We often feel – as Ana seems to – that we must have certain kinds of sex a certain amount in order not to lose a relationship. We feel that we should ‘perform’ certain kinds of sex in order to be a ‘real’ man/woman, or a ‘proper’ straight or queer person. We feel like if we’ve had a kind of sex before we’re obligated to have it again. We feel too embarrassed or awkward to say we’re not enjoying something. We feel that because we’ve done one thing, we should automatically do others. All of these are deeply problematic ways of thinking about sex which hurt us badly, but they are also hard to completely step away from because they’re so engrained in our culture.

So, when it comes to consent, we can’t just rely on partners to say ‘no’ or safe word if they’ve stopped enjoying it. Instead, consent should be about trying to minimise the pressures that they – and we – are under, so that we can be as confident as possible that what we’re doing is consensual. How can we do this? Well it is worth talking about the messages we’ve received about sex and reassuring the other person that we really wouldn’t want them doing something they don’t enjoy. We can also deliberately avoid making any suggestion that kink or sex should involve certain things (e.g. genitals, pain, orgasms, or fancy outfits) or that certain things are normal.

It’s also worth thinking about wider power dynamics that are in play between you. Is one person older than the other, or from a gender, race, or class with more social power? Does one person earn a lot more than the other (hello Christian Grey!)? Is one person much more sexually experienced or confident in their capacity to find other sexual/romantic partners? Are there differences between you in terms of mental or physical health? All of these are worth considering in relation to how the person with greater power (in these various areas) can maximise freedom of the other person to be able to say no (or yes). Of course, it’s likely that you’ll each have more, or less, power in different areas.

Finally, it is troubling how much we tend to assume that we’ll be able to have consensual sex – or play – when our wider relationships are not very consensual at all. The Pervocracy puts it well:

I think part of the reason we have trouble drawing the line “it’s not okay to force someone into sexual activity” is that in many ways, forcing people to do things is part of our culture in general. Cut that shit out of your life. If someone doesn’t want to go to a party, try a new food, get up and dance, make small talk at the lunch table–that’s their right. Stop the “aww c’mon” and “just this once” and the games where you playfully force someone to play along. Accept that no means no–all the time.

Fifty Shades is a perfect example of how to get this wrong. Christian is constantly doing things after Ana has clearly said ‘no’, such as buying her expensive gifts, following her on holiday, and getting involved in her work. How on earth is she to trust that he’d respect her ‘no’ when they’re playing? And just as Christian tries to convince Ana that she’s a submissive, Ana tries to force Christian to be the ‘hearts and flowers’ boyfriend that she’d really like. How are they to trust each other not to try to pressure, control, and manipulate when it comes to their sex life?

If you’re bringing kink into an existing relationship it’s worth having a good hard look at whether you treat each other consensually around other things, such as socialising, food or finances, and how you might be more consensual in those areas. It’s also worth thinking about whether you treat yourself consensually! This is something Meg-John Barker written more about here and there is lots of useful stuff about cultivating consensual communities over on the Consent Cultures blog.

Conclusions

I hope these posts have given you a flavour of some of the things that are worth thinking – and communicating – about when exploring kink. As I said earlier, there are heaps more helpful resources out there to draw on. There’s another excellent list available from Clarisse Thorn’s website here.

It can be amazing, when you haven’t done so before, to finally give yourself permission to have the kind of sex and/or play that really excite you. Tuning into yourself, communicating with others, and cultivating consensual dynamics, are all excellent ways to start opening that door.

  • “NO” means NO.
  • “Not now” means NO.
  • “Maybe later” means NO.
  • “I have a boy/girlfriend” means NO.
  • “No thanks” means NO.
  • “You’re not my type” means NO.
  • “*#^+ Off!” means NO.
  • “I’d rather be alone right now” means NO.
  • “Don’t touch me” means NO.
  • “I really like you but …” means NO.
  • “Let’s just go to sleep” means NO.
  • “I’m not sure” means NO.
  • “You’ve/I’ve been drinking” means NO.
  • SILENCE means NO.
  • “__________” means NO.

 

Is ‘Sissy’ A New Sexual Orientation?

A generation or two ago when gender roles were more strictly defined, a “sissy” was the last thing a man wanted to be called. It implied that he was a pathetic weakling, a failure at being masculine during an era when masculinity was the goal for all males.

These days, in a climate where masculinity is seen as more toxic and dangerous than virtuous and heroic, some men are going out of their way trying to earn the privilege of being called a sissy. They willingly put themselves through a systematic process of physical and psychological self-emasculation known as “sissification.”

Also known as “forced feminization,” Wikipedia describes the sissification process thusly:

…the practice of dressing a submissive partner as a woman and/or encouraging or training a submissive partner to act in a feminine or exaggeratedly feminine (“hyperfeminine”) manner. If assigned male at birth, the submissive partner may be called a “sissy.” Feminization is usually achieved via cross-dressing, where the male is dressed in female attire, ranging from just wearing female undergarments to being fully dressed in very feminine attire, including make-up, hair dress and nail polish. Some males take on tasks, behaviours and roles that are overtly feminine, and adopt female mannerisms and postures in tasks such as sitting, walking, and acting in a feminine manner.

Sissification differs from being transgender in the sense that choice is thought to be involved, not only in “becoming” a woman, but in reversing the process. As opposed to popular notions about being transgender, a sissy isn’t “really” a woman—he’s a man who’s volunteering to have his masculinity destroyed, with the understanding that if he doesn’t go too far in physically altering himself, he can always reverse the process. He isn’t seeking his “true” gender identity; he’s undermining it because erotic humiliation gives him a sexual thrill.

At its root, sissification is also deeply misogynistic because it implies that there’s something weak, pathetic, and humiliating about acting like a woman.

Becoming a sissy requires making changes that are both physical and mental. The physical transformation involves things such as cross-dressing, leg-crossing, laser hair removal, wearing makeup, using female cosmetics, and sitting down to pee. It also involves adopting traditionally feminine mannerisms such as stepping daintily, arching your spine, and swishing your hips. If taken to an extreme, it can also involve female hormone injections and even sexual reassignment surgery.

The psychological transformation involves the utter destruction of one’s masculine identity. Often a man will be required to feminize his name—” Daniel” becomes “Danielle” and “Patrick” becomes “Patricia.”

Sissification also involves mind control through erotic hypnosis in which the sissy-in-training watches videos that glorify the process of worshiping giant cocks that put the would-be sissy’s pathetic little “clitty”—i.e., tiny penis—to shame. He is sternly instructed to gain sexual satisfaction from prostate stimulation rather than penile stimulation and is trained to achieve “sissygasms” by either sitting on dildos or being fucked in the ass.

The aspirant sissy is gradually brainwashed into eroticizing the act of being sexually humiliated and having his manhood mocked. As slogans such as YOU ARE BECOMING A GIRL are flashed across the screen, the would-be sissy learns to be repulsed by all that is submissive and feminine while growing more and more sexually attracted to alpha males and their monster cocks:

You love cum. You want to be a girl. Being girly is what you really want. Admit to yourself that you are a girl and go ahead and do something about it.…Forget about being a man. Embrace the real you. You are a sissy bimbocumslut….

A professional “sissy trainer” describes how she turns males into sissies by snuffing out their masculinity:

I get you there by a mixture of hypnosis, psychological trickery and by leveraging the subject’s own curiosity. The secret is to slowly and gradually help the subject see and accept all the amazing benefits of feminization. By using consistent conditioning and a calm reassuring logic the subject starts to embrace more of their feminine side, and inevitably this grows a desire for a feminine body to match the new improved emerging identity.

Here a former self-identified male describes how his girlfriend systematically sissified him and destroyed his initial resistance:

Soon she added a strap-on to her collection and one that squirted, and she would pump lube in my rear end and tell me it was a special estragon solution that would work its way into my system through my bowel. Then she would insert a butt plug to make the liquid stay in me till I absorbed it.

https://www.stockroom.com/ultimate-dildo-harness-3-strap.html
https://www.stockroom.com/ultimate-dildo-harness-3-strap.html

Honestly, I was loving all the attention and the taboo role playing we were doing, and I couldn’t have been happier. She switched out the straight porn for gay porn and every day she would only make love to me while I was watching the gay porn and telling her how much I wanted a cock in my mouth and ass and one in each hand….

Often such deliberate “mindfucking” and sexual self-humiliation backfires and leads to guilt, regret, and shame:

I became increasingly ashamed of myself, and after each time I did it, I knew that it was the last straw and that I could not continue doing this. It would literally ruin my whole day and make me want to stay isolated, in irrational fear that people would find out about it if I showed my face anywhere….It’s like I developed an alter ego of “being a sissy,” which all of these sissification hypnosis things encourage oh so much…. I got back home and decided to trash everything I had – the dildo, the plug, the clothes, the weed – everything that only perpetuated this habit and addiction. I woke up the next day, still in shock with what I had done. I couldn’t bring myself to leave my apartment and show my face, again due to that irrational fear of somebody knowing.

It shouldn’t be surprising that some men develop psychological problems as a result of chasing a sexual identity that is based on humiliation and self-hatred. Neither should it be surprising that in a climate which preaches masculinity is innately harmful, many men seek redemption and approval in the act of fleeing their masculinity.

The culture has shifted to the point where “sissy” is no longer the worst thing a man can be called. These days, the worst thing for a man to be called is “manly.”

In other words, we’ve evolved—or devolved, take your pick—to the point where there’s nothing wrong with being a sissy so long as you accept the premise that there’s plenty wrong with being a man.

Quick Facts About Sissification

1.

The fantasy depends on the idea that feminization is forced, although this is only a fantasy. The sissy makes a conscious choice to be feminized.

2.

Begging to stop the process may be part of the fantasy and roleplaying.

3.

Sissies often wear a chastity cage around their genitals to prevent masturbation.

https://www.stockroom.com/the-houdini.html
https://www.stockroom.com/the-houdini.html

4.

Sissification differs from “fandom” fantasies in that the person degrading them is usually a male rather than a female.

5.

Maid outfits—and maid activities such as dusting and serving beverages—often play a role in the fantasy.

https://www.stockroom.com/french-maid-apron.html
https://www.stockroom.com/french-maid-apron.html

6.

Unless there have been permanent physical and hormonal changes made, sissification is reversible.

THE SISSY VS THE CROSS DRESSER 

Have you ever wondered if there was a difference between a sissy and a cross dresser? Do you just assume that all cross dressers are sissies? Some people may think there is no difference. Of course, this more than likely means they don’t empathize with sissies or cross dressers. There is a major distinction between the two. It is important to appreciate and recognize the diversity amongst our peers.

WHO IS THE SISSY?
What is a sissy? First of all, a sissy is someone who identifies themselves as a sissy. They want to be feminized. Not only do they wish for their clothes to be feminine, they also want to act feminine. So, it really does depend on how they perceive themselves, or want to be perceived. I can just explain variations. Sissy is definitely not discourteous to them. In fact, they prefer to be known as a sissy. Doesn’t mean they lack self esteem in the least. Basically, they choose to be a sissy and are proud to be a sissy. Usually, they are submissive males who enjoy being passive, obedient, and feminine. Most of them revel in the cross-dressing lifestyle.

SISSIES, CROSSDRESSERS AND THE FEMDOM
For those who practice Femdom, it can be very honorable to them, to be known as a sissy. They are keen on being subservient to their mistress. They may have a mistress who lives with them, and be very proud to obey their mistress. Being a sissy is about how they experience it on the inside. They usually know from an early age, that they are a sissy, and are not offended by the term. They may put on their frilliest pair of pink silk panties, and immediately feel sissy. But, as soon as they take off those frilly, pink, panties, the mood can change. Sissies love to be identified as sissies, and it is up to them, when and how they are identified. There are many who are married in monogamous relationships. They may like to be recognized as a sissy, because they clean house, and dress like a sissy maid.

For instance, some cross dressers may consider them a sissy and are completely fine with the term. However, it is just a fantasy for them. Maybe they don’t even act on it in their life. They could have a wife, family, job, and the whole package. They are not referred as a sissy in their everyday life. They have this fantasy of being a submissive sissy, who may take orders from a mistress. They may call a phone sex line, for a mistress, and act out their sissy desires on the phone. They long to be dominated by a strict mistress, who enjoys calling them a sissy. They may be bisexual or bicurious and just need a firm, dominant mistress to guide or train them. It could end right there in that fantasy. Once they hang up the phone, they go back to their regular life.

There isn’t really one explanation for this, which can be explained so easily. It is not easy: there are several factors that contribute to a male who likes to wear women’s clothing and lingerie and be called a sissy. Maybe they dreamed about wearing their mother or sister’s clothing when they were a child. Maybe they were teased and called a sissy growing up. There isn’t just one reason for it. The dynamics in this could go on and on, depending on whom we are talking about.

Then, you have the everyday sissies. Some may have to wear men’s clothes to work, depending on their job, but as soon as they get home, they take off their suit and prance around in their panties. They love every minute of it. They know they are a sissy; they identify themselves as a sissy. They love being a submissive little sissy; they may live with their mistress. The mistress may or may not be their wife. But, they adore their mistress. They will do anything to serve their mistress. More often than not, sissies are bisexual. Some may even prefer males over females, and vice versa. There is not a specific sexual preference for the term, sissy or cross dresser for that matter.

NOT ALL CROSS DRESSERS ARE SISSIES
On the other hand, there are many cross dressers, who do not appreciate being called a sissy. It may offend or insult this cross dresser if someone calls or implies that they are a sissy. It has a negative feel to them. In this circumstance, it is probably most well know as a childish insult aimed to put down a male, who may be feminine. These cross dressers do not think of themselves as a sissy at all, nor do they feel like one. They may have a different meaning for the word, “sissy” to them it can be someone who is wimpy, who doesn’t want to get their hands dirty. These cross dressers, do not want to be known as a sissy for this reason. When they are dressed they are women. They consider themselves to be femme, but do not identify with being a sissy at all. They may consider themselves strong, independent, liberated women, who have no desire to be dominated by a mistress or any one for that matter. For this they wish to be known as strong, secure women. When they are dressed as a man, they consider themselves to be men; they look masculine, and feel masculine. That is until they put their panties on.

IT’S WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE THAT MATTERS
The moral of this story is: To each their own. Some are fine with the term, and completely ok with being considered a sissy. Who are we to judge? Today’s meaning of sissy has somehow turned into someone who enjoys humiliation/submission. Those who enjoy being a sissy, enjoy it when they are at their most girly. Other cross dressers accepts the term, but they know the term “sissy” is not for them. If one chooses to acknowledge themselves as a sissy, good for them. But, if you know a cross dresser, please do not automatically assume they are a sissy, if they don’t tell you upfront. You could insult them, hurt their feelings, and that is not right. Wait for them to tell you whether they would like to be called a sissy, or if they call themselves a sissy. Then go on…. tell them what a gorgeous sissy they are.

There’s a difference between kinky and abusive and we need to be clear about that

One thing it is good is educating newer members about the difference between kinky and abusive. Lots has changed since I found the fetish scene, nearly a decade ago. Kinky sex is no longer the preserve of a dedicated community. It’s common. Really, common. Whether you want to experiment with rough sex, bondage, breath play, spanking or slapping, it’s all on the table. I regularly hear stories from friends who’ve gone home with people they met on Tinder and found themselves getting spanked during sex, without any consent or negotiation.

That’s the thing about kinky sex. It had a negotiation. The protracted process of contract negotiation in 50 Shades of Grey might not be realistic, but the element of discussion is. If you’re planning to have kinky sex with someone from the world of BDSM, they’ll ask you about limits. Preferences. Hard limits and soft ones like and dislikes. They won’t (or at least they absolutely shouldn’t) just start tying you up. But because the kinky sex has become separated from this niche community which had its own rules and regulations, the idea of negotiation and pre-agreed limits are no longer an automatic given. If you’re in a relationship where kinky sex isn’t a thing, the rule is clear: you just don’t hit your partner at all. Ever. But if you’re a kinky person who likes spanking, or any other type of hitting, suddenly that boundary is blurred. It’s those blurred lines which make it possible to excuse abusive behaviour as kinky behaviour.

Informed consent

The number one difference between playing at rough sex and assaulting your partner is consent. You cannot be too clear about consent. Talk about it, discuss it over message or email. Ask direct questions. Do not assume. Just because someone is happy for you to slap their face doesn’t mean they’ll be happy for you to pull their hair. It might seem dry or dull, but you need to understand exactly what your partner’s limits are before you start trying things out. You do not ever just hit someone and see how they react – even if it’s gentle.

Safe word

I know safe words sound a bit silly, but they’re important. If you’re playing with a safe word then the submissive partner always had a control switch, which means that the play is less likely to get out of hand. Some experienced partners will play without safe words, which is kind of controversial even among the BDSM community. But honestly if you’re not super confident in your partner’s sexuality, just use one.

Negotiation

An abusive partner will push the person they’re having sex with past where they feel comfortable, either trying to force them to try things they don’t want to talk, take more extreme pain or submit to kinky sex when they’re not in the mood. Just because someone has consented to have their hair pulled or to be spanked before doesn’t mean that you have carte blanche for the rest of forever. It’s certainly never, ever okay to hit your partner out of the blue just because you’ve done it before.

Emotional support

A good sign about a sexual partner is that they can cope if something goes wrong. If your partner uses their safe word, you should be apologetic, understanding and kind. You should never, ever treat them like they’ve failed, and you certainly shouldn’t just keep doing what you were doing before but a bit more gently. Safe wording isn’t a disaster, but it’s a moment to take stock and reflect on what happened and how to avoid it happening again. Similarly, it’s abusive to emotionally blackmail your partner into playing with you if they don’t want to. They don’t need an excuse to say no. Just because kinky sex was hot last week doesn’t mean that you’re done with vanilla forever.

Aftercare

You have to accept that if you’re having very rough or kinky sex with another person, you owe them aftercare if they need it. It’s unacceptable to have very kinky sex with someone and then not reply to their messages. You’ve gone through something intense which has released all sorts of endorphins. You owe that person some aftercare. Aftercare can be anything from hanging out together talking to providing sugary drinks and emotional support. But if you’ve just acted out all your filthiest fantasies, you owe your sexual partner that much. If you don’t want to keep seeing the person you’ve done this with, that’s fine, but you need to respectfully explain that. It’s very bad form to ghost someone you’ve bruised.

The bottom line is this:

Anyone who makes you feel guilty about how hard you’re willing to play or for having limits is abusive and you should end your connection with them immediately.  Anyone who makes you feel that you’re worthless or unwanted if you won’t have sex with them is not a good partner – even if you’re not in a formal relationship.  Anyone who has had intense kinky sex with you and then denied you emotional support afterwards is not someone you should sleep with again.

Dating Deal Breakers All Women Have—and Men Should Definitely Be Aware Of

Women and men aren’t so different—we all have our date-night turnoffs that can range from superficial to deeply offensive. But the truth is that the nature of what turns women off is unique: Here are the no-no’s all men should know about.

Dishonesty:

Yeah—and here are the worst possible relationship lies you can tell. (By the way, the number one trait women (and men) are looking for when dating is kindness. And dishonesty is the absolute worst. While it’s a broad term, but any kind of dishonesty should be an immediate deal-breaker.

That includes dishonesty about:

  • Age:

“Who can be interested in a guy who feels the need to misrepresent his age?” asks 51-year old Lara Nolan, who won’t date anyone whose actual age turns out to be different from the age on his online dating profile. “What does that say about how he feels about my age? Or aging in general? It’s just unacceptable.”

  • Marital status:

It goes without saying that if a married man claims he’s single, it’s a deal-breaker, but what about a man who claims he’s divorced when he’s only separated? Psychiatrist Susan Edelman, MD, says that’s a deal breaker too. Sure, he may “feel” divorced and “feel” like he’s ready to move on, but you still must wonder what else he’s being dishonest about.

  • Height:

It seems pointless to lie about one’s height, but it’s common for men to add an inch or two in their online profiles. Height can be a deal breaker for some women, says the founder of Elite Dating Managers, who goes by the name “Isabel.” But lying about it won’t help. It just creates a second deal-breaker.

Not all lies are outright lies, however. Some are lies of omission. “Obviously, being married is a deal-breaker,” says 51-year old divorcee, Mia Winner. “But I’ve learned that with some guys, you actually have to ask before they’ll tell you.”

Nit-picking:   

Women spend enough time nit-picking themselves and their shortcomings, they do not need the romantic man in them life criticizing them too.

Knit-picking

Too clingy:  

It has only been a few dates, but he is constantly texting, calling, and checking in on you. Danger sign of controlling or insecure partner.

Being unemployed:

Being out of work is a deal-breaker for virtually all of Isabel’s clients (Elite Dating Managers), and it’s not because her clients are gold-diggers. In fact, most of Isabel’s clients have great jobs and can provide for themselves. But being unemployed implies that you’re not where you want to be. If you’re in transition, then it’s difficult to truly be available (no matter how much you wish you were or think you are).

If you’re a man who’s unemployed, however, don’t panic, and don’t take the first job you’re offered, certainly not for the sole purpose of scoring a date.

Lack of ambition:

One can be employed but still lack ambition, and a lack of ambition is “completely unsexy,” says lifestyle and travel blogger Amy Hartle. “You don’t have to have incredibly lofty goals, but you must have some goals,” Hartle says.

Lateness:

“Once you score a date, don’t be late,” says Becky L. Duncan, a single 30-year old online business coach from Chicago. “If you can’t show up on time (or text that you’re running late) it tells me you’re at best, thoughtless and, at worse, self-centred.

Being chronically late is certainly not a laughing matter, but you still might want to check out this funny take on the psychology of lateness.

Cancelling:

“From time to time the unexpected happens causing us to break a date or other commitment,” says Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, “but it becomes a pattern for your partner, it’s a sign to look elsewhere.” Dating expert and spiritual consultant, Davida Rappaport, takes a harder line: “If you cancel a date with a woman at the last minute more than once or twice, regardless of the reason: deal-breaker! When a woman has plans to be with a guy, there is only a limited amount of time she is willing to be disappointed.”

Sketchy online behaviour:

If a guy’s Instagram feed is full of women he’s dated (presumably) in the past or scantily clad party girls, it should be a deal-breaker, according to dating coach, Damona Hoffman. Men like that are almost invariably players.

Sloppy or bad hygiene:

“Nothing turns off a woman faster than a guy who doesn’t take care of himself and make an effort to look (and smell!) presentable,” Hartle observes.  Maria LoTempio, a 40-something surgeon in New York concurs: “If a man cannot take pride in the details such as clean clothes, what am I to think how they will deal with organizing and being clean in their surroundings?”

Speaking of a man’s surroundings, you might want to look at his car. “Whether it’s a Mercedes or a Kia, a man should take pride in his car,” says dating and relationship expert, Lisa Concepcion. If he doesn’t take good care of his car, can you imagine what his bedroom looks like?

It’s not just a matter of it being unpleasant, however, according to relationship counsellor, Caroline Madden, PhD. “When a man can’t seem to take care of himself, it could be a signal that he’s looking for someone to take care of him.” And that should be a deal-breaker.

When it comes to personal hygiene, more is not always better. Here are the hygiene habits you need, and some you can throw out with the bathwater.

Physique-fail:

A man does not have to be a ripped, pro athlete, says Duncan, the 30-year old single woman from Chicago, but if he’s not taking care of his body and his health, he’s placing the burden of it on everyone around him. “If you’re not investing time into your health and body, it’s a huge red flag,” agrees dating and relationship expert, Megan Weks. “That lack of self-care is a deal-breaker because it indicates underlying issues, including a lack of self-love.”

Are you a guy who can’t seem to get yourself motivated to exercise? Here’s the secret to loving your workout.

Sartorially challenged:  

“Yes, we like you to look dapper,” says Weks, and for good reason. “Studies show that we attribute a lot of good qualities to you if you’re dressed well, so why wouldn’t a man make the effort? If a man can’t be bothered to make that effort, is he worth your effort?” We get it. Dressing badly equals deal breaker.

His roommate is … Mom:

It may sound a bit like the movie, Failure to Launch, in which Sarah Jessica Parker plays a woman who gets paid to help motivate men to move out of Mom’s house…but this is a bona fide real-life phenomenon. As hard as it is for some of us to fathom, there are men who continue to live with their moms well into their 20s, 30s, and beyond. And that is a deal-breaker, says actress and filmmaker, Audrey Lorea. “It’s not that he lives with his mother so much as it’s a symptom of a host of other problems,” she explains. These include lack of motivation, co-dependence, emotional immaturity, and a fear of commitment. “Moving out and living on your own is a huge part of personal development, and if a man hasn’t taken this leap, you should assume he’s stunted in other areas of his life as well.”

If you’re the mom of a young man, you’d best let him launch.

His roommate is…his ex:

This is also more common than you’d think (or than you’d like to believe). Men who remain under the same roof as their exes will offer up all sorts of excuses for doing so: the kids, the finances, the housing market. But none of them are valid, according to Dr. Madden, and a smart and emotionally healthy woman will not date a man who is living with his ex. It’s a deal-breaker. Period.

OK, men, so make a mental note: after you break up, you must move out

He comes with a posse:

Friends are healthy. A man should have friends. But what about if he’s got a posse that he travels with, or, worse, that he brings with him on dates?

That’s a deal-breaker, according to Dr. Madden. “More is not the merrier if you are honestly trying to get to know someone,” she explains, and a man who routinely brings his friends with him when he goes out with you is friend-zoning you, whether he realizes it or not. And if he’s not doing it consciously, then you need to do it for him.

“If we’re just starting to date,” agrees Lindsey Hall, a 28-year old single blogger from Denver, “please don’t throw me into a situation with five or six of your bros. Be respectful and take me out separately. Otherwise, it’s a deal-breaker.”

He’s a loner:

So, if traveling with a posse is a deal breaker, then shouldn’t it be music to a woman’s ears that a man is a lone wolf?

In a word: no.

“Women want to date men who have other healthy friendships or deep connections with people,” says therapist Colleen Andre, MA LMHC. “If they have no close friends or family that means all the attention good as well as bad is placed on you, which is a huge gap for you to fill.”

The waitress tests:

Virtually all our experts agreed on one thing: You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats those in the service profession, as divorcee and attorney, Randi Robbins, puts it. And if he treats them poorly, it’s a deal-breaker.

“A man who is rude to hardworking restaurant staff is revealing a preview of coming attractions,” according to behavioural expert, Wendy L. Patrick, JD, PhD. Duncan, the online business coach from Chicago has seen it in practice, noting that “how he treats the server is how he will, at some point, treat me.”

Bottom line on this one: if a man can’t pass the “waitress test,” it’s a deal breaker.

Multitasking:

“When I’m on a date, I give my undivided attention, and I expect the same,” says Dr. LoTempio. “Otherwise, I don’t feel like we can connect.” And that means that divided attention is a deal-breaker for her. But she’s not the only one. Many of the single women and relationship experts we spoke to agree, and especially when it comes to men taking out their phone during a date.

“This should be a no brainer, but women tell me all the time that guys are on their phone,” says Dr. Madden, the relationship counsellor. Whether they’re texting with an ex or checking sports scores, it’s just bad form. As Michele Sonier, a 40-something single pilot and former Wall Street-er, puts it: “Just don’t take your phone out on our date.”

But the phone isn’t the only thing diverting a man’s attention. “Ogling other women is a full stop for any woman,” says Dr. Madden. “Yet some men go as far as to comment about other women while on a date.” It’s mind-boggling, and it’s a total deal-breaker even for bisexual women. “A man shouldn’t think that just because a woman is bisexual that she’s interested in cruising other women while she’s on their date.”

Bad conversation skills:

This is bad news, and it comes in many forms. For example, Robbins notices “” if he fails to ask me questions and only answers mine. Or if he doesn’t appear to be listening because he doesn’t reflect back any of what I’ve said.” Sonier notices if her date is constantly talking about himself.

According to relationship expert, Monique Homanan, “Women want to date men who are interesting and interested. Watch out if a man only wants to talk about himself, his job, his car, his friends, his hobbies, his bank accounts.” And about those bank accounts, Robbins would like to offer this tip to men: “Don’t talk about money at all. It’s uncomfortable. It reveals insecurity, and more importantly, a focus on materialism.”

Getting soused:

“Given the opioid crisis in America, everyone knows someone struggling with addiction. If you get hammered within the first few dates, that signals to me that you don’t care to keep it together, and therefore, I don’t have time for it,” says Denver blogger, Hall. “Sure, have a couple drinks to loosen up, and I will too, but women are weary of men who seem to have never left college.

Smoking:

This dirty, disgusting, and dangerous habit is a deal-breaker for almost every non-smoker (the top reasons being bad breath, smelly clothes, health concerns, and just a general sense of “why would you do that?”). But it’s a deal-breaker according to our experts as well.

“It’s amazing to see how many people agree to date a smoker with the hopes of getting them to quit,” notes relationship expert, Concepcion. “They tolerate bad breath and second-hand smoke just to be in a relationship. It’s a waste of time, bad for your health, and starts the relationship off with the need for someone to break a habit. Make it a deal breaker and move on!”

Dating coach, Hoffman says that even if you love to be a caretaker in a relationship, it’s too much, especially if you, yourself, have past or current addiction issues.

Excess baggage:

“Many people can go on to have a healthy and fruitful relationship even after divorces or separation with kids. But, several children with multiple women or a complicated ex can just trap you in the unnecessary mess and problems,” according to therapist Andre. Thirty-something singleton, Becky McKeown, recalls the time she went on a date with a man who had 13 kids from nine different baby-moms. It’s not a date she recalls fondly.

The reality, according to dating coach Hoffman is that regardless of how deeply a woman is attracted to you, if you have a messy situation with your child’s mother, you’ll end up on her “do not date list”. And one way you can tell that a messy situation exists is if a man talks negatively about his ex on the first date; when Robbins sees this, she’s out there because to her it means her date has unfinished business with his ex. For Robbins, it’s also a deal breaker if a man expresses animosity towards his children. “That’s a drama I want no part of,” she says.

Dr. LoTempio thinks that speaking ill of others in general speaks volumes about a man’s level of tolerance and kindness. In short, it’s a deal-breaker.

Antiquated views of women:

This is a deal-breaker for some women, but not for others. For single pilot Sonier, for whom being an “aviatrix” is a point of pride, if a man looks askance at her for her love of flying, there’s no point in continuing. “Why would you want to be a pilot?? What about kids, husband, family?” Sonier recalls being asked on more than one occasion. “My attitude is that it shouldn’t have to be a question of either/or. This isn’t the 1950s. But if that’s his attitude, we’re not dating.” Dr. LoTempio also notices that some men seem uncomfortable with her career as a surgeon. When she realizes that’s happening, she knows there’s no point in continuing because it’s not going to get better.

He doesn’t pay for the first date:

As forward-thinking as our single women and our experts are, they all agree, nevertheless, that the man should pick up the check on the first date. “It’s simply the universal sign that this has been a date,” explains Dr. Madden.

Even if the woman makes more money. “Even if she makes more,” according to Dr. Madden. “Yes, there’s probably going to be a moment where she’ll reach for the checkout of politeness, but if a man doesn’t grab that check away and pay it, himself, he’s acting like this isn’t a date. If it’s a date, a man should act like it.”

Film producer and singleton, Karen M.C. Kane sees it as a matter of respect. “Women want to feel valued by the man they’re involved with. If a man doesn’t want to pay for the first date, he’s sending a message that he values his wallet more than he values her.”

Irreconcilable differences:

“Women want to date men who hold similar values to their own,” says relationship expert Monique Honaman. “Massive incompatibilities regarding fundamental values should be deal-breakers.” Those incompatibilities can include:

how you handle money

your religious beliefs

your political views

where you stand on having kids

how you feel about pets

“I write about eating disorders and recover,” blogger Hall says, “so if you make fun of a mental health issue on our date, I’m going to assume that not only do you not mesh with my career choice, but you’re also not a nice person.”

“For me, I can tell a lot just by noticing how he treats my cat,” says the thirty-something singleton from Chicago. “How he treats my cat is at some point how he’s going to treat me. More to the point, says 28-year old single nutritionist, Arielle Simonis, “if he’s not an animal person—if he actually says he’s not an animal person—I get off that train as fast as I can.”

He’s pushy about sex:

“Women want to date someone who is attracted to them and vice versa, but when a man won’t keep his mouth shut about how much he wants to bed her (ahem, on the first date), best keep looking,” says Simonis, who sees it as a bad sign about his intentions. And if he won’t stop groping you? Run, says dating expert and spiritual consultant Rappaport.

Once things get consensually intimate, there are other potential deal-breakers. For example, a lack of chemistry or a lack of compatibility when it comes to sexual proclivities. Even worse is when a man gets kinky without asking first, according to author Evie Vane. “If he tries spanking, bondage, or rough sex without asking, he’s likely to get the boot.”

Assuming things are going well on the intimacy front, consider tapping into your secret sexual strength, based on your zodiac sign!

He’s a player:

“Be available,” suggests New York psychotherapist Thompson to all the men out there who don’t want to be written off by women who don’t want to date players. “You don’t have to sign up for marriage but if you aren’t even available to date, don’t waste anyone’s time. An easy way to tell that a man is a player is if he’s unwilling to let go of the dating apps, says Dr. Madden. Also, if his social media behaviour is “sketchy,” as described above.

“It’s important to date someone who’s looking for the same thing in a relationship. Women who want a relationship won’t want to date a player,” says psychologist and owner and director of New York City’s My Dating and Relationship School, Paulette Sherman, PsyD.

Signposts of abuse:

Emotional abuse can sneak up on you, but there are usually signs present right at the beginning. Here are some to consider as deal breakers:

  • Road rage:

Not only is being trapped in a car with an angry man downright terrifying, but it’s a good predictor of more anger to come, says Dr. Madden.

  • He can’t compromise:

If a man insists on eating only at his favourite restaurants, seeing his favourite movies, and hanging out with his friends to the exclusion of yours, it’s a bad sign, says relationships expert Honaman.

  • He won’t accept blame:

If he won’t take responsibility for his behaviour,  especially if he’s looking to blame someone else (or you), beware, says therapist Sedacca. “Blamers make for toxic partners.”

  • He’s too attentive:

If it’s only been a few dates, and he’s already constantly texting, calling, and checking in on you, that spells danger, says therapist Andre. You might be dealing with a controlling or insecure partner.

Whether you’re just dating or already in a relationship, please heed these relationship warning signs.

Home Alone & No One To Play With? Get Ready to Push Your Limits with Solo BDSM

What’s a kinky single to do? Flipping through profiles at FetLife or settling in for another night of endless internet clips isn’t always enough to satisfy your kinky cravings. You need to get some action now!

Maybe you already have a date for Friday, and who knows – it might pan out and you’ll meet that sexy submissive or domme you desire. But in the meantime, you need a little playtime. Of course, you could always find a local professional to help you out, but why not experiment with solo BDSM. There are plenty of challenging and exciting ways for you to stimulate yourself in the comfort and privacy of your own home.

SELF-BONDAGE: ALL TIED UP

Whether you’re a dom or a sub, you probably love the feel of ropes. For doms, it’s a great way to practice your technique. If you don’t have ropes handy there are plenty of other things around the house you could try, including, belts, scarves, or bandages. Tying yourself up can be tricky but with a little creativity it can be more exciting than you think. Check out this link for great self-bondage ideas. For an extra kick, throw a little flogging in, that’s if you have a free hand.

For safety sake, make sure you don’t get yourself into something you can’t get out of, and be aware that using gags can be dangerous when you’re alone. If you want to a try a ball gag alone without risking suffocation, try a whiffle ball with a scarf threaded through for a breathing passage.

SELF-ORGASM CONTROL: WILL OF STEEL

When you control your orgasm, you can achieve and maintain a high level of arousal for a prolonged period before coming. Sounds great, right? What delicious torture! It can be very intense to tease yourself into hovering just a notch before climax, and when you finally decide to let yourself come, the orgasm is often bigger and better than usual. Even if you would normally be the one to tie and tease your partner, there’s always value in learning to control your own orgasms.

Alone, you have total control over the speed, feeling, and level of pressure. Try masturbating until you reach the plateau phase just before climax, then slow down just enough to avoid orgasming. Keep yourself at this level if you can before ultimately come or deny yourself altogether for some good ole orgasm denial. Make the clock your master – once you slow down to avoid climax, vow to keep yourself in blissful torture for a prescribed amount of time. I’m guessing even 3 minutes would be an eternity!

SELF-FLAGELLATION: NOT JUST FOR THE DEVOUT

In need of a little punishment? Try flogging yourself! For some, flogging is all about the pain, but most will report that the real excitement comes from the release of endorphins. You’ll find it easy to whip your back and legs and with a little practice you’ll also be able to get at your backside. For those new to flogging, please read flogging basics and important safety information. Don’t have a flogger? Watch Drew Lion demonstrate how to make your own.

SELF-GENITORTURE: A LITTLE PAIN WITH YOUR PLEASURE?

Is CBT your thing? Don’t wait for a mistress to stomp on your balls or put you on a very tight leash. It’s do-it-yourself time! CBT can range from edge play to more sensual acts. Take that tie off your neck and wrap it tightly around your cock and balls. Or pick up a ball stretcher to really expose your nuts to light whipping, dripping wax, or icy sensations.

Need some inspiration too, ladies? Consider clamps, clothes pins, mousetraps, or chopsticks with elastics. Throw in a bit of pussy paddling and spanking for good measure. Just remember to keep the circulation flowing and the temperature at a level that is safe.

VIRTUAL SEX: GET IT ONLINE

You can be alone at home and still find a playmate to interact with online. I’ll give you two suggestions.

The less expensive option is to join a BDSM dating site with live video and audio chat rooms, make new friends, and have really naughty webcam sex. Hopefully you’ll also meet someone local, so you don’t have to top yourself forever. These sites are good value, usually under $30 a month to be part of a thriving BDSM community.

For immediate satisfaction, you can seek out live cam sites. Top or bottom, BSDM cam sex can be very good. If you’re a sub, find a dominatrix or very dominant cam girl who can cook up a scenario and tell you what to do. For doms, it can be a real buffet. Going for a private session is going to set you back. I recommend spending time in the open chat rooms and asking different women about their limits before treating yourself to some one-on-one.

What are your thoughts? Who’s tying themselves up and who’s teasing themselves to new heights of ecstasy? Dare to share?